I can't help but think that I will never ever be able to find the one for me. I'm utterly convinced that I will never find a significant other and will die alone. And, I'm not okay with it as much as I was before. I just think that seeing everyone around me be so happy and content with life and here's me hating life and everything about it.

I just wish I could just look at myself in the mirror and accept myself for who I am and not sit there and resent myself. Like I always have been this way and I thought that maybe college would change me and I would start to love myself for me but instead it just got worse.

I thought that maybe joining a sorority would make me feel better because I would be surrounded by girls who love me a lot and I love them but instead being in a sorority has made it worse. My anxiety and depression seem to have gotten worse because of how much I've started to hate myself, my looks, my body, my personality? I just wish I had the balls to talk to a boy, I can never talk to a boy so how am I supposed to start a relationship with a boy? I just wish that I had the ability to be an attractive human being and be able to tempt a boy enough to make him come up to me and start talking to me. Or if I go up to them, they actually accept me for me and not back away, running and screaming.

The lack of confidence that I have stops me from loving myself and on top of that, I'm a coconut. The color of my skin is brown except on the inside, I'm white. I act like the people I surround myself in. I mean heck, I'm in a sorority. How does that happen? I never thought that I would ever be able to fit in a place like that. I mean in the end all you wanna do is to be able to get along with them, but I tend to get sorta jealous of them. All I want is to be like them, especially since all the boys come up to them and not me.

My friend told me that I need to make sure that I make the first move and not them because they like the girls who make the first move. I really hope that's the truth, because I'm about to do that tonight with my social. I wish I had more guts to actually talk to guys, all I need is confidence and not a drink.