What It's Like To Be The Girl Nobody Wants

What It's Like To Be The Girl Nobody Wants

It hurts to be second best.
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If you're one of my friends, you probably clicked on this article to see what I had to say about how I'm "never wanted" or "why I'm talking about this topic." However, if you clicked on this article because this topic relates to you, then thank you. Thank you for just reading about something that probably is irrelevant to write about, but for listening anyways.

This article is going to be very informal and personal. Over the past few weeks I have started to lose my passion to write. What used to take me less than an hour started to take four days to compose. This was because of stress, feelings of loneliness, tiredness, and anxiety. I began to feel like that toy you quit playing with when you feel like you're "too old" for toys anymore. In other words, I felt like the girl that nobody wanted.

My friends and family will say that I am wanted and special, but I don't see that. I have friends, I have good grades, I have a healthy life, but that doesn't prevent nor stop these feelings of loneliness and solitude.

I kind of envision myself as the girl that no guy wants. My friends and family have told me numerous times that "I'm so pretty I could have any guy I wanted" or that "any guy would want to be with me," but guess what I've come to realize -- it's not true.

When writing an article like this, I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I just want people to know that as much as you think I do, I don't believe in myself. I try to remind myself that God is going to put the right man in my life at the right time, but sometimes hope is not enough. Imagine yourself surrounded by your best friends, and each of them are getting new cars, but since you don't get a new car you stand right beside them faking a smile so they don't recognize that you are hurting. That is the type of feelings I feel.

I've sat and thought many times how my life is a joke. I've watched guys text me and then want nothing to do with me the next day. And nothing hurts worse than being someone's second choice. Being someone's second choice is like being the happiest puppy in a litter, but because you aren't the prettiest you don't get chosen. It's sad because this is how many men look at women today.

My friends text me all the time and ask why I post sad things on social media, and here's the answer you've all been waiting for: I'm lonely. I wouldn't wish these feelings of loneliness on anyone, but I wish the people closest to me understood this. I don't want to feel lonely, but I can't just snap out of the feelings no matter how bad I want to.

This article isn't just about not being in a relationship. I did not write this with the intentions of it being about relationships. However, relationships are what have caused many of these feelings of loneliness and sadness to occur.



If you read this, I hope it made some sense to you. I haven't been able to compose thoughts that make sense in a long time.

Cover Image Credit: Pexels

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To The Person Who Feels Suicidal But Doesn't Want To Die

Suicidal thoughts are not black and white.
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Everyone assumes that if you have suicidal thoughts that means you want to die.

Suicidal thoughts are thought of in such black and white terms. Either you have suicidal thoughts and you want to die, or you don't have suicidal thoughts and you want to live. What most people don't understand is there are some stuck in the gray area of those two statements, I for one am one of them.

I've had suicidal thoughts since I was a kid.

My first recollection of it was when I came home after school one day and got in trouble; and while I was just sitting in the dining room I kept thinking, “I wonder what it would be like to take a knife from the kitchen and just shove it into my stomach." I didn't want to die, or even hurt myself for that matter. But those thoughts haven't stopped since.

I've thought about going into the bathroom and taking every single pill I could find and just drifting to sleep and never waking back up, I've thought about hurting myself to take the pain away, just a few days ago on my way to work I thought about driving my car straight into a tree. But I didn't. Why? Because even though that urge was so strong, I didn't want to die. I still don't, I don't want my life to end.

I don't think I've ever told anyone about these feelings. I don't want others to worry because the first thing anyone thinks when you tell them you have thoughts about hurting or killing yourself is that you're absolutely going to do it and they begin to panic. Yes, I have suicidal thoughts, but I don't want to die.

It's a confusing feeling, it's a scary feeling.

When the depression takes over you feel like you aren't in control. It's like you're drowning.

Every bad memory, every single thing that hurt you, every bad thing you've ever done comes back and grabs you by the ankle and drags you back under the water just as you're about the reach the surface. It's suffocating and not being able to do anything about it.

The hardest part is you never know when these thoughts are going to come. Some days you're just so happy and can't believe how good your life is, and the very next day you could be alone in a dark room unable to see because of the tears welling up in your eyes and thinking you'd be better off dead. You feel alone, you feel like a burden to everyone around you, you feel like the world would be better off without you. I wish it was something I could just turn off but I can't, no matter how hard I try.

These feelings come in waves.

It feels like you're swimming and the sun is shining and you're having a great time, until a wave comes and sucks you under into the darkness of the water. No matter how hard you try to reach the surface again a new wave comes and hits you back under again, and again, and again.

And then it just stops.

But you never know when the next wave is going to come. You never know when you're going to be sucked back under.

I always wondered if I was the only one like this.

It didn't make any sense to me, how did I think about suicide so often but not want to die? But I was thinking about it in black and white, I thought I wasn't allowed to have those feelings since I wasn't going to act on them. But then I read articles much like this one and I realized I'm not the only one. Suicidal thoughts aren't black and white, and my feelings are valid.

To everyone who feels this way, you aren't alone.

I thought I was for the longest time, I thought I was the only one who felt this way and I didn't understand how I could feel this way. But please, I implore you to talk to someone, anyone, about the way you're feeling; whether it be a family member, significant other, a friend, a therapist.

My biggest mistake all these years was never telling anyone how I feel in fear that they would either brush me off because “who could be suicidal but not want to die," or panic and try to commit me to a hospital or something. Writing this article has been the greatest feeling of relief I've felt in a long time, talking about it helps. I know it's scary to tell people how you're feeling, but you're not alone and you don't have to go through this alone.

Suicidal thoughts aren't black and white, your feelings are valid, and there are people here for you, you are not alone.

If you're thinking about hurting yourself please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit suicidepreventionhotline.org to live chat with someone. Help it out there and you are not alone.


Cover Image Credit: BengaliClicker

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A Refreshing Perspective For Fitness And Diet Beginners

Self-criticism is exhausting, instead prioritize your mental health and strive for self-compassion.

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We are four weeks into 2019 which generally implies that the 45% of Americans who eagerly set diet and exercise resolutions in the new year are either on track with their goals or gave it their 'best' shot in the last few weeks but now they are right back where they ended in 2018 - confused, unmotivated, and surrendering any possibility of progress to old, unhealthy habits.

Wherever you stand today, you have to understand and accept that you will have your fair share of ups and downs throughout your journey towards a healthy, active lifestyle. So, if you're still focused and actively upholding your resolutions, great, I applaud you. On the other hand, if you are already criticizing yourself for eating that whole bag of chips or skipping the gym (been there, done that), this is your sign to pick yourself up and move forward.

In efforts to make positive progress towards our health and fitness goals, we often tend to neglect our mental health. We over-commit ourselves, avoid all temptations, then, if we make one minor mistake, we throw in the towel. Then once the guilt and shame kick in we instinctively resort to self-criticism. So, as a result, for those newly invested in a healthy lifestyle, I think the idea of 'happiness' and 'healthy' seem to be contradictory and incompatible.

May I ask, what's the point in achieving a fitness goal if you're going to be miserable during the journey? They say it's not about the destination, it's about the journey--right?

So it's time to adopt a new approach to your goals lifestyle. An approach that prioritizes your mental health while also empowering you to be the badass that you are. For most of us, self-criticism is our initial instinct. But I full heartedly believe that the catalyst we need (and deserve) to ultimately achieve any of our goals is self-compassion.

Since self-criticism has been deeply rooted in our past, like any bad habit, it will be tough to part ways with. Presumably, this shift in perspective won't happen overnight. But, little by little, kick the loathing self-pity out of your quest for a 'healthy' lifestyle.

Overall, give yourself permission to be imperfect. Forgive yourself when you make mistakes because you're going to learn from them in the long run. Celebrate even your smallest victories and make every effort to enjoy this learning process. This is the healthy, active lifestyle you deserve to live.

Shine on!

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