Lola And I , And This Thing They Call Love

Lola And I , And This Thing They Call Love

When all you want to do is cuddle

Lola and I hang out all the time with nothing to say to each other. We love each other's company. Neither one of us has romantic feelings for each other. Neither one of us has romantically experienced love. Lola and I do not think we are the norm, although it would be flattering to think we are the exception. Lola and I bitch about this all the time. Lola and I write each other letters on love. Lola and I are still trying to figure out this thing they call love.

Let x be the sum of happiness we derive from love. Let x be composed of family, friends, and romance. Let romance be an independent variable. In the presence of family and friends, what do we lack in romance that makes x < 1?

"All I want is to cuddle," Lola says to me, lying face up on her bed. "All I want is a cuddle buddy." This is Lola's way of reiterating that boys suck. This is my way of acknowledging I am not alone in my being alone. This is our way of craving human contact. There is something about the phrase 'human touch' that is redundant. It is innately human to need to feel the warmth of skin on skin, to remind ourselves what it means to be alive, to not be alone. This, Lola and I hypothesize, is the essence of being with someone else, the physical touch. We hypothesize then that casual hookups, FWB (friends with benefits), and no-strings-attached should abate loneliness. We hypothesize cuddling is all anyone really needs. Lola flips over onto her stomach and moans into the pillow, wishing it could hold her back.

I scroll through my phone and the detritus of articles on Buzzfeed, a poor substitute for entertainment or news, and laugh at an app I start reading about called Cuddlr. It is like Tinder, except with cuddling. Cuddlr is green and fluffy and platonic looking. At least this is what I gather. Find people near you who are up for a cuddle. Have a cuddle with them. No pressure. Lola and I jokingly decide we should try Cuddlr. Lola and I are immediately dubious. What does 'no pressure' mean? How can people cuddle platonically? Would it not simply escalate into sex? Lola and I decide we would like to have people we can spoon with. Lola and I conduct our casual research. Lola and I determine cuddling is not the same as spooning; spooning is a very specific form of cuddling. Lola and I decide not to try Cuddlr. Lola and I look at each other, and silently decide against spooning with each other. It is simply not the same. Lola and I conclude Cuddlr is not the same as cuddling. Lola and I are still lonely. Lola and I decide to eat instead.

Dilemma: Big spoon or little spoon?

Spoon: "to lift or transfer by means of a spoon" (OED, spoon, n.)

I eat exclusively with bowls in the dining hall. Simple equation. If the bowl is occupied with soybeans: big spoon. If the bowl is filled with quinoa: little spoon. The question is: what do you do when the bowl is occupied with more than one variable?

Lola and I eat in the dining hall three times a day. Lola has stopped asking why I eat exclusively with bowls three times a day. Lola is my suite mate. Lola is also my best friend. Convenient. Lola does not yet find me annoying because Lola does not hear these thoughts out loud. Instead, Lola and I write letters, and watch girls around us swiping left and right. We have friends who skip class to Tinder swipe, friends who cut their grocery expenses by 75% because of Tinder meal dates, friends who are too wimpy to meet Tinder matches, and friends who use Tinder to feel just a little less alone. Tinder is how people meet. It's like real life, but better. I want to ask Lola how any life can be better than real. Lola and I are tempted to try. Lola and I joke about Tinder like it is a fashion statement. Lola and I joke about Tinder like it is a thing we are too disgusted to try.

We are trying to say we are afraid to be alone. I am trying to say I am afraid we will never find anyone, and then we will be too old to even die. I am trying say I am scared this will only happen to me, that one day love will stroll by and all at once consume Lola until I realize this thing we call loneliness has been waiting for me, and me alone, all along. I am afraid love is a selective process that will perpetually swipe left on me. We stand on the street waiting with phones in our hands, ear buds plugged into our senses until we are surrounded by voices, to prove to every other solo self on the street that we are too hipster to actually want another person's body attached to our hip.

Dilemma: Big spoon or little spoon?

Spoon: "to lie close together, to fit into each other, in the manner of spoons" (OED, spoon, n.)

I sleep exclusively in my cramped college dorm bed. Simple equation. If I am smaller than my partner: little spoon. If I am larger than my partner: big spoon. The question is where is this second variable bedfellow coming from?

I had always considered sex to be the most intimate you can get with anyone, the way two human beings can take up less physical room by being as close to each other as possible, but I am beginning to think I was wrong. I never considered spooning comparable to sex. Spooning is often thought of as a pre or post-sex activity that releases oxytocin and strengthens relationships through intimacy. I love spooning. I don't know anyone who doesn't love spooning, but I have so many friends who simultaneously love and are terrified of it. Why? Perhaps the answer lies in the difference between Cuddlr and Tinder. The truth is, Tinder is far more successful than Cuddlr because it is an explicit all-inclusive package of romance we think we lack.

I hypothesize we are afraid of proximity. I hypothesize we are more afraid of the proximity of emotional touch than we are the touch screen of matchmaking. In an attempt to compare intimacy to touch, I juxtapose spooning with sex. I find through casual research the two are either mutually exclusive, or polar opposites. Sex is not the same as sexual intimacy, the way it can be emotionless and detached or joltingly soul-consuming. In essence, to casually hook up with no feelings attached is to have sex without spooning. Spooning is almost impossible to be emotionless about; it is the staying-over, the falling asleep, the waking up with terrible breath but staying over anyway. Cuddlr, in its attempt to provide its users with a sense of this proximity and touch, fails to take into account the intimacy that has to occur alongside cuddling, that 'to fit into each other' is to first know each other in that intimate sense.

Lola texts me today: " I need to walk around with a sign, 'Looking for fuck buddy. Sign up here.'" Lola has abandoned the idea of Cuddlr. Lola still wants to spoon, but we have come to understand the nature of spooning is not in the physical act but in the emotional ties it builds. It is the emotions, or, as our generation fears, the 'pressure,' it can create to feel something. Lola and I have both felt. We know infatuation, and emotion, and some genre of romance. Do not mistake us for the cold-hearted Millennials we consider ourselves to be. But we are still waiting for something to fit.

We write letters partially because, although we hate the word hipster, we love the idea of antique love and generational regeneration. Because we want to have things we feel we cannot speak about in the seriousness of conversation or the casualty of texts. We talk about love, and sex, love in sex, lovely sex, in other words, we talk of loneliness. We slip letters under each other's doors late at night and do not acknowledge these silent conversations when we greet each other in the morning because we are told the two live in separate worlds. We talk about these things we know nothing about in cynicism we make up to make up for our lacking in experience. We talk about these things in the silence of the page because in daylight we are all whatever, and idk, and idgaf. We abbreviate our naivety until it looks something more like jaded youth, until it looks more like something that has experienced love too many times to want to try it again.

But perhaps it is in our lacking, our absence of what we envision romance to be, that we criticize this thing they call love as overrated. Perhaps it is we youthful cynics of love who have the greatest chance at the intimacy of it. Maybe it is in the intimacy of the language of human touch that we will be able to surpass this swiping screen of isolation.

Let x be the sum of happiness we derive from love. Let x be composed of family, friends, and romance. Let romance be the dependable variable. Let the things people we meet and the experiences we find guide us to something less packaged, more spontaneous, less formulaic, more terrifying. Let us fill our own selves with a sense of belonging, a sense that we fit into the people we already are, without fear of missing out. Let us believe in no lacking. Let us believe x will always be searching for another 1. Let us not try to prove something that begs for a new hypothesis every single time. Let us not ask for a solution to loneliness, but an addition to love. We are simply waiting. Simply looking forward to so much more.

Cover Image Credit: Flickr/Dennis Skyley

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Ladies, You Deserve Better Than That Guy You Met At Pub

Go home with Chad who probably will not remember your name the next morning or question his motives and see if he actually wants to know you.

Have you ever been eyed from across the bar and then slowly approached, later receiving a free drink? Most would probably say yes. Obviously, this is the most complex form of flattery, getting bought drinks to become increasingly plastered. Did that same person later ask if you would go home with them? Wow, it almost seems like they had a plan all along. Now it is your decision. Go home with Chad who probably will not remember your name the next morning or question his motives and see if he actually wants to know you. With today’s absolutely absurd relationship culture, there are many things to think about.

There is a constant stigma against hooking up with someone on the first night and doing so will eliminate you from being seen as “girlfriend material.” However, if you wait too long you are seen as a tease and that person is most likely going to give up and look elsewhere. Another underlying pressure is the need to “repay.” If you are bought drinks or taken to a nice dinner, you may feel pressure from that person, who is assuming they “deserve” something. Do you really think I’m DTF after one dish of slightly, under average Chicken Alfredo? The bottom line is there should not be a time limit on when it is acceptable to hookup.

You have the power to decide when you feel comfortable and what you want to do. The problem is, you cannot allow anyone to coerce you. There should not be any times where you hooked up because you were “already there” or “did not want to disappoint them.” Hearing those statements from many people, far too many times is concerning; if that person likes you and respects you then it will not be a big deal if you are just honest. You should have enough self-respect to say no if you don’t want to hookup and have enough respect for the other person if they don’t want to. The person of your affection should want you to be comfortable above anything else; if not, they are not worth your time.

In the end, you have to decide what you want and be able to articulate it to the other person. People have a need to play games and not be honest with each other, but if you aren’t honest then the other person has no idea of what you want or need. If you want to hook up, tell them. If you want a relationship, tell them. If you don’t like them, tell them. People are not mind-readers.

Overall, your main focus should be on whether you are happy, talking to someone or not. If you want to just hook up with someone, do it. If you want to explore things and see if a relationship comes out of that, do it. But, respecting yourself and others strongly relates to not caring if people judge you. I know people are judging me when I walk to my friend’s house in slippers and sweatpants, but does it stop me? Of course not. Just know that you have the power to do whatever you want and no one should be holding you back. Finally, if our worth is going to be rated on food, at least order the steak.

Cover Image Credit: Photo by Jordan Bauer on Unsplash

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Artificial Dating Has Exploded In Society As We Know It

Hook-up culture has taken over.

"Life is a game made for everyone," they say, "and love is the prize." The challenge is dating until you find the one your soul was destined to spend all of eternity with. Dating. Is. Hard. There is absolutely no denying that, but due to the popularity of dating apps such as Tinder, the concept of "dating" has taken a whole different toll.

There is absolutely no doubt about that. Back in the day, a date involved getting dolled up and praying to god you are good enough to entice someone is nerve-wracking, especially with the amount of pressure one could have put on themselves in hopes to impress someone.

In today’s society, it is so difficult to be connected face to face with someone, or let alone find someone who isn’t worried about social media to have a sit-down conversation with. In recent years, I have found that social media plays a role in contributing to problems within relationships, especially in the relationships that I have pursued in recent years.

Apps like Tinder, Bumble, Instagram, and Snapchat have diminished the dynamics of the verb dating. It's about near impossible to actually go on a real date with someone. These commonly popular apps take the realness out of dating, and they make it easy to ignore what relationships should be about; they water relationships down to dumb pickup lines. Though, advertised as apps that help people find their soulmates, most people on these apps are only looking for one night.

Hookups are not bad necessarily, but these apps do introduce them, which contributes to problems that many people have when trying to look for someone to date.

Instagram and Snapchat enable young people to have expectations of what a relationship should be, and those expectations are usually unrealistic. Instagram especially with people who consider themselves "social media influencers" and are in relationships that are often not as perfect as they portray online. Social media also plays a large role in stirring up jealousy within modern-day relationships.

I remember last year when Tinder became really popular, curious to know more about how dating apps worked, I downloaded the app on a whim. Something I picked up on right away was that it takes the emotion out of dating and was something that made dating superficial. You're only judging someone based on how they look and you have absolutely no clue what their personality is like, the latter of which is what makes dating so much fun. Figuring out what someone is like and who they are is what keeps dating refreshing and new, and this concept cannot be determined through the use of a subpar pickup line.

These types of apps also add to the dating culture of today’s society.

That culture is what I call “talking” culture.

Talking can be defined as dating without the label which many people I know, and also I have experienced this. “Talking” can mean a variety of things, and is not something that can be defined clearly, but can mean anything from texting exclusively or something platonic with someone. This is really problematic and harmful on many levels to young adults in society today. It creates a lot of self-esteem issues because people are insecure about whether the person they're talking to will stop talking to them at any moment because they're not committed so there’s no real explanation needed.

Another thing that’s important to know is the term “ghosting,” which includes cutting off a person you're talking to without any notice or warning. It’s an easy way out: you give completely no explanation to why you've stopped talking to them and pretend like they don't exist or nothing ever happened between you. It’s actually a horrible thing to experience, but in today’s dating culture it’s relevant due to its established normalization in socializing.

Social media also contributes to jealousy in modern relationships. Everyone who is faced with any social media outlet is concerned with likes. Who’s liking what? Who posted when? Did my picture get more likes? All questions that are present, and play a role in jealousy. One of the things in the social media culture that is a driving force behind jealousy is being able to see who is liking someone else’s picture.

Anyone who has been in a relationship from the age of 13-24 has asked the question "why did he/she like his/her picture?" This creates worry stress because if you're in this position you worry about whether or not your partner is cheating on you with this person that they're overly liking pictures of. You also worry if you're not good enough.

Overall, social media makes dating superficial. It puts unrealistic aspirations of what dating should be on a platform for many ages to see and strive to, which in turn leads to many mental health problems, especially self-esteem issues. Speaking as a young woman who has experienced the dating culture of today’s society, I find that social media plays a large role in how people actually interact with each other.

More often than not throughout the dates I have been on, guys have been on their phones or awkward without them because for some reason there is a constant obsession with what is going on in the world that they're not present in. I’m guilty of being on social media and using it on occasions when I probably shouldn’t, but I realize that it’s a problem, when many people don’t see it that way.

Cover Image Credit: Priscilla Du Preez

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