Lola And I , And This Thing They Call Love

Lola And I , And This Thing They Call Love

When all you want to do is cuddle

Lola and I hang out all the time with nothing to say to each other. We love each other's company. Neither one of us has romantic feelings for each other. Neither one of us has romantically experienced love. Lola and I do not think we are the norm, although it would be flattering to think we are the exception. Lola and I bitch about this all the time. Lola and I write each other letters on love. Lola and I are still trying to figure out this thing they call love.

Let x be the sum of happiness we derive from love. Let x be composed of family, friends, and romance. Let romance be an independent variable. In the presence of family and friends, what do we lack in romance that makes x < 1?

"All I want is to cuddle," Lola says to me, lying face up on her bed. "All I want is a cuddle buddy." This is Lola's way of reiterating that boys suck. This is my way of acknowledging I am not alone in my being alone. This is our way of craving human contact. There is something about the phrase 'human touch' that is redundant. It is innately human to need to feel the warmth of skin on skin, to remind ourselves what it means to be alive, to not be alone. This, Lola and I hypothesize, is the essence of being with someone else, the physical touch. We hypothesize then that casual hookups, FWB (friends with benefits), and no-strings-attached should abate loneliness. We hypothesize cuddling is all anyone really needs. Lola flips over onto her stomach and moans into the pillow, wishing it could hold her back.

I scroll through my phone and the detritus of articles on Buzzfeed, a poor substitute for entertainment or news, and laugh at an app I start reading about called Cuddlr. It is like Tinder, except with cuddling. Cuddlr is green and fluffy and platonic looking. At least this is what I gather. Find people near you who are up for a cuddle. Have a cuddle with them. No pressure. Lola and I jokingly decide we should try Cuddlr. Lola and I are immediately dubious. What does 'no pressure' mean? How can people cuddle platonically? Would it not simply escalate into sex? Lola and I decide we would like to have people we can spoon with. Lola and I conduct our casual research. Lola and I determine cuddling is not the same as spooning; spooning is a very specific form of cuddling. Lola and I decide not to try Cuddlr. Lola and I look at each other, and silently decide against spooning with each other. It is simply not the same. Lola and I conclude Cuddlr is not the same as cuddling. Lola and I are still lonely. Lola and I decide to eat instead.

Dilemma: Big spoon or little spoon?

Spoon: "to lift or transfer by means of a spoon" (OED, spoon, n.)

I eat exclusively with bowls in the dining hall. Simple equation. If the bowl is occupied with soybeans: big spoon. If the bowl is filled with quinoa: little spoon. The question is: what do you do when the bowl is occupied with more than one variable?

Lola and I eat in the dining hall three times a day. Lola has stopped asking why I eat exclusively with bowls three times a day. Lola is my suite mate. Lola is also my best friend. Convenient. Lola does not yet find me annoying because Lola does not hear these thoughts out loud. Instead, Lola and I write letters, and watch girls around us swiping left and right. We have friends who skip class to Tinder swipe, friends who cut their grocery expenses by 75% because of Tinder meal dates, friends who are too wimpy to meet Tinder matches, and friends who use Tinder to feel just a little less alone. Tinder is how people meet. It's like real life, but better. I want to ask Lola how any life can be better than real. Lola and I are tempted to try. Lola and I joke about Tinder like it is a fashion statement. Lola and I joke about Tinder like it is a thing we are too disgusted to try.

We are trying to say we are afraid to be alone. I am trying to say I am afraid we will never find anyone, and then we will be too old to even die. I am trying say I am scared this will only happen to me, that one day love will stroll by and all at once consume Lola until I realize this thing we call loneliness has been waiting for me, and me alone, all along. I am afraid love is a selective process that will perpetually swipe left on me. We stand on the street waiting with phones in our hands, ear buds plugged into our senses until we are surrounded by voices, to prove to every other solo self on the street that we are too hipster to actually want another person's body attached to our hip.

Dilemma: Big spoon or little spoon?

Spoon: "to lie close together, to fit into each other, in the manner of spoons" (OED, spoon, n.)

I sleep exclusively in my cramped college dorm bed. Simple equation. If I am smaller than my partner: little spoon. If I am larger than my partner: big spoon. The question is where is this second variable bedfellow coming from?

I had always considered sex to be the most intimate you can get with anyone, the way two human beings can take up less physical room by being as close to each other as possible, but I am beginning to think I was wrong. I never considered spooning comparable to sex. Spooning is often thought of as a pre or post-sex activity that releases oxytocin and strengthens relationships through intimacy. I love spooning. I don't know anyone who doesn't love spooning, but I have so many friends who simultaneously love and are terrified of it. Why? Perhaps the answer lies in the difference between Cuddlr and Tinder. The truth is, Tinder is far more successful than Cuddlr because it is an explicit all-inclusive package of romance we think we lack.

I hypothesize we are afraid of proximity. I hypothesize we are more afraid of the proximity of emotional touch than we are the touch screen of matchmaking. In an attempt to compare intimacy to touch, I juxtapose spooning with sex. I find through casual research the two are either mutually exclusive, or polar opposites. Sex is not the same as sexual intimacy, the way it can be emotionless and detached or joltingly soul-consuming. In essence, to casually hook up with no feelings attached is to have sex without spooning. Spooning is almost impossible to be emotionless about; it is the staying-over, the falling asleep, the waking up with terrible breath but staying over anyway. Cuddlr, in its attempt to provide its users with a sense of this proximity and touch, fails to take into account the intimacy that has to occur alongside cuddling, that 'to fit into each other' is to first know each other in that intimate sense.

Lola texts me today: " I need to walk around with a sign, 'Looking for fuck buddy. Sign up here.'" Lola has abandoned the idea of Cuddlr. Lola still wants to spoon, but we have come to understand the nature of spooning is not in the physical act but in the emotional ties it builds. It is the emotions, or, as our generation fears, the 'pressure,' it can create to feel something. Lola and I have both felt. We know infatuation, and emotion, and some genre of romance. Do not mistake us for the cold-hearted Millennials we consider ourselves to be. But we are still waiting for something to fit.

We write letters partially because, although we hate the word hipster, we love the idea of antique love and generational regeneration. Because we want to have things we feel we cannot speak about in the seriousness of conversation or the casualty of texts. We talk about love, and sex, love in sex, lovely sex, in other words, we talk of loneliness. We slip letters under each other's doors late at night and do not acknowledge these silent conversations when we greet each other in the morning because we are told the two live in separate worlds. We talk about these things we know nothing about in cynicism we make up to make up for our lacking in experience. We talk about these things in the silence of the page because in daylight we are all whatever, and idk, and idgaf. We abbreviate our naivety until it looks something more like jaded youth, until it looks more like something that has experienced love too many times to want to try it again.

But perhaps it is in our lacking, our absence of what we envision romance to be, that we criticize this thing they call love as overrated. Perhaps it is we youthful cynics of love who have the greatest chance at the intimacy of it. Maybe it is in the intimacy of the language of human touch that we will be able to surpass this swiping screen of isolation.

Let x be the sum of happiness we derive from love. Let x be composed of family, friends, and romance. Let romance be the dependable variable. Let the things people we meet and the experiences we find guide us to something less packaged, more spontaneous, less formulaic, more terrifying. Let us fill our own selves with a sense of belonging, a sense that we fit into the people we already are, without fear of missing out. Let us believe in no lacking. Let us believe x will always be searching for another 1. Let us not try to prove something that begs for a new hypothesis every single time. Let us not ask for a solution to loneliness, but an addition to love. We are simply waiting. Simply looking forward to so much more.

Cover Image Credit: Flickr/Dennis Skyley

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30 Things Guys Wish Girls Knew

Things a best male friend would tell you.

1. The sexy, crazy fun girl doesn’t always win the guy.
Yes, we are attracted to the fun party girls that never settle down, but at the end of the day, we can’t bring those girls home to meet our moms. Every guy is looking for the sweet, beautiful and down-to-earth girl that makes us laugh, keeps us grounded and believes in us. We want a girl that we can talk to about more than just how many shots we can take before we blackout. Guys want to date a Megan Fox and marry an Emma Watson.

2. Men are not mind readers.

3. Sunday sports are like the sun rising in the East and setting in the West. It's a fact of life, and you've just got to let it be.

4. When a game is on, please only talk during commercials.

5. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions, so neither do we.

6. Ask for what you want.
Let me be really clear about this one. Whether the hint is subtle or obvious, we're probably not going to get what you're trying to say. So, just tell us what you want.

7. Anything said a week ago becomes null and void and cannot be brought up in an argument again.

8. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how to do it. Not both.

9. We only see about 16 colors.
For example, the term "peach" is a fruit, not a color.

10. If we ask what’s wrong, and you reply, "Nothing," we will act as if nothing is wrong.
We probably know that you’re lying, but it’s not worth the fight.

11. You have enough of my fraternity shirts.
Don’t keep asking for more, and don’t just take them. You have to earn them.

12. Stop telling me to make you my #WCW.
Everyone gets annoyed with the couples that make each other their #MCM or #WCW every week; we will not be that couple.

13. It’s not attractive to hear you talk bad about other girls.
I know you don’t like one of your sisters because she stole your Big-Little shirt idea, but keep that talk for your sisters, not us.

14. Being smart is very attractive.
We want a girl that can read a book and carry on a good conversation.

15. Allow me to open the door for you.
Don’t let chivalry die. I know you’re 100 percent capable of opening the door yourself, but see it as a nice gesture. It’s something our dad taught us to do.

16. I’m going to try and fix your problems.
Don’t vent to me if you don’t want me to try and fix what’s going on. That’s what guys do.

17. Don’t take my fries.
I’m a growing man, and I need my food but will gladly take whatever you don’t eat.

18. Don’t be dramatic.
Guys don’t like girls that are crazy about drama, plain and simple. If you enjoy the attention that getting jealous gets you, you will not get my attention.

19. Don’t say you miss me after an hour or a day.
That’s when you begin to edge into the "clingy" zone.

20. It’s okay to compliment us.
We like when you tell us we look good. We will just never say that out loud.

21. But don’t call us "pretty" or "beautiful."
This is not "Twilight," we do not sparkle, and we are not "pretty".

22. “I’m not looking for a relationship” can sometimes be directly translated to "You’re great, but we’re just not ready to be tied down quite yet."

23. We’re all on that college budget.
So know that we would like to give you the world, but can only afford the dollar menu sometimes.

24. If my friends don’t approve of you, then odds are we won't be able to date.
The same sentiment goes for my family.

25. I will smile, but not 100 times.
I’ll take pictures because you want to, but if I’m being honest, you’re going to look just as good in the first one as you will in 100th one you force someone to take.

26. We don’t always have to be doing something.
We can enjoy Netflix and a large pizza.

27. You have too many shoes.

28. You have enough clothes.

29. Don't ask a question that you don't want an answer to.

30. We are in shape. Round IS a shape.

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An Open Letter To The Love Of my Life

Happy four year anniversary, Kaylee.


She is the most perfect thing on this planet. Her hair, her face, her body, her personality, her everything is perfect. Her name has even been "perfect" on my cell phone since I met her over four years ago. The second my eyes met hers, I knew she was the one. I know many people say they fell in love at first sight, but mine was one hundred percent real. Our four year anniversary is coming up and I couldn't have been happier. This perfect woman is Kaylee Clever.

It may sound funny to others, but I actually met the love of my life at the local McDonald's. I was from Schaumburg and she was from Elk Grove. My Schaumburg friends knew Kaylee from a prior event and we all met up for the first time at McDonald's. She went to grab some food from the counter with another guy and my heart shattered thinking she was taken. I was very relieved to hear that she was just friends with this guy so I had a shot. She was so beautiful when I saw her, even with the smell of greasy McDonald's fries in the background. I had some small talk with her but was too nervous to even get a number. I thought that was the last time I'd see her, but I was thankfully wrong.

A week passed and I eventually saw her again at a friend's house. We started talking about "Flappy Bird" and we tried to beat each other's high scores. I made her laugh some and we added each other on Twitter. We would DM each other every other day when we beat a high score on "Flappy Bird." We laughed a lot and started texting. I started to fall for this girl even harder because she was so easy to get along with. She had the same personality as me and I knew she was the one.

A few months passed and we talked every day. I knew I had to do something. I asked her out and she wasn't ready yet. My heart shattered and I didn't use my phone for weeks. I was blaming myself and I didn't know what I did wrong. I thought our friendship was over because we didn't talk for weeks, but one day I saw a text from her. We started talking again and I felt happy again.

We got to know each other better and on July 6th, 2014 we officially started dating. I was the luckiest guy on earth. We went to Cici's to grab some macaroni and cheese pizza, to later realize it sucked, but we had a blast. She met my family and I met hers. And that day ended in a wonderful first kiss. I blushed like crazy and she made me so happy. It's been four years now and I look at her like it was the first time. She is such an astonishing human being who will forever be perfect. I couldn't have been luckier to have met the love of my life at the age of seventeen. I thank you for every second together and I hope to spend the rest of my life with you. You complete me and I complete you. Thank you so much for everything Kaylee Clever, I love you so much. Happy four-year anniversary sweetie.

Cover Image Credit:

Josh Baca

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