“I wish I’d paid better attention. I didn’t yet think of time as finite. I didn’t fully appreciate the stories she told me until I became adult, and by then I had to make do with snippets pasted together, a film projected on the back of my mind.” - Jessica Maria Tuccelli
As a child, knowing you weren’t going to be here when I needed you was heart- wrenching, I missed you so much I thought I would never get through it. As the years passed, I never forgot about you, but the little things did fade. I could no longer remember your voice. I could no longer remember how it felt when you hugged me. I could not even remember your laugh. As a child, you learn to cope with losing someone you love and that is what I did.
Growing up, I always understood that you wouldn’t be here. I never really thought I would have to live without you, though. I knew you were gone, but the child version of myself had this idea that you would just reappear when I needed you. As an adult, I had to break it to the child version of myself that this wasn’t going to happen. You weren’t going to see me graduate or get married or even meet my children, but it wasn’t until recently that I actually had to face reality.
Reality is walking across a stage getting the diploma that I worked so hard for without you in the audience. Reality is showing everyone my dorm room except for you. Reality is calling home without talking to you. Reality is starting a new chapter of my life and, for the first time, you aren’t doing it with me.
With every decision that I make without you here, I wonder if you would approve. Did I choose the right college? Did I make the right choices? Every single decision that I make, I have you on my mind. You always knew what to say-- whether I made the wrong decision or not, you were never mad. You just always knew the perfect thing to say to make everything okay again.
Reality has slapped me in the face, but I know I am not doing it on my own. Whatever I do, I know that you are right there beside me. You may not be here standing next to me, but you are here nonetheless. From feathers floating by, to thinking I see you in a crowded room, I know you’re around. You’ve always been my number one supporter.
I may miss you more than ever now that you’re gone, but I am forever thankful for the time I did have with you. You taught me so many things-- how to be independent, how to love myself and most importantly how important family is. I see you in everything I do and I thank you for that.
Although it has been some time since we lost you, my love for you will never fade. I may not remember your voice or your laugh or your hugs, but I remember you. I miss you.
