The other day, it seemed like just my usual Friday night. Watching movies and playing video games with my boyfriend — nothing too wild and crazy. It was a good night — a great night, actually, because I had absolutely no worries in the world.
Something changed, however, when my boyfriend went to the bathroom, and I picked up my phone, looking at all the notifications I had missed in the last hour I had been distracted.
That was then when I saw it.
A notification from Instagram recommending I follow the girl who had sexually assaulted me almost five years ago.
Confused why Instagram would recommend someone so disconnected from my life, I swiped to delete the notification and continued checking my messages from my friends and sister.
When he returned from the bathroom, I acted as nothing had happened, because, at the time, that’s exactly what it felt like — like nothing had happened.
Little did I know, I had just opened the gate I thought I had closed years ago.
The next day, after lying in bed all morning with him, I fell back asleep, and I dreamt. It was a sex dream, something I hadn’t experienced since high school — though it didn’t feel quite right. I felt trapped. Like I couldn’t escape the dream as much as I tried.
Then I saw her face.
The same face I had seen five years ago.
The same face I had seen last night on Instagram.
I immediately woke up feeling uncomfortable and wanting to leave.
Because I hadn’t experienced these thoughts in years, I felt a need to process them and think about what they meant. I thought I had gotten over it, but according to my dream, it had obviously left an imprint on my mind.
I rushed home, not bothering to try and explain anything to my boyfriend, for I didn’t truly understand what was going through my mind at that moment.
The second I stepped into my room, I immediately broke down in tears.
Every nerve in me told me to reach out to someone close — anyone — in order to find the comfort I found in my friends/boyfriend in high school.
Though my 19-year-old-self reassured me that I didn’t need their validation or comfort in order to make myself feel better. All I needed was the exercises my old therapist had once taught me, and to call my sister when I had calmed down a little more in order to talk through the experience with her.
I did just that. I took deep breaths to calm my shaky breathing, and I found something in my room to focus my attention on and bring me back to the present.
After about 20 minutes, I called my sister and described what had happened.
Taking it all in, my sister gave me some advice that I want to share with whoever is reading right now:
Trauma will never leave you.
Once it happens, as hard as it is to hear, it will always be a part of who you are.
Whether it’s sexual assault or the death of a loved one or an abusive relationship, those experiences will always be ones which you have lived.
Even when you’re years from the event, they can still crop up in unexpected ways, possibly leaving you feeling just as you felt during the events.
This is why it’s important to process what has happened to you — either with a therapist or a loved one.
To process and find coping mechanisms that work for you are crucial in being able to continue living your life to its fullest and not dwelling too harshly on your past.
Now that a couple days have passed, I can honestly say that I am feeling better than I was in those moments. And though I am still not back to my usual 100% self, I am not letting what's happened to me get in the way of my daily life.
And neither should you.
