My mom was diagnosed with Stage 4 ovarian cancer in February of this past year. I remember exactly where I was sitting when I called my dad to see how my mom was doing in surgery for what was supposed to be the removal of a cyst from her stomach. I heard cancer and it was as if I could feel the walls of my world falling down around me.
Her cancer diagnosis shook my family. My mom is the rock of my family and while she was fighting for her life, my dad, brother, and I stood helpless trying to pick up the pieces.
I couldn’t stop crying for the longest time. I felt selfish for crying and tried to command myself to be strong for my mom, just as she would be strong for me. She was the one fighting cancer, pushing through intense chemo sessions, and I could barely focus on staying present at school and getting through my semester.
After months of being hard on myself for struggling with this, I came to the realization; it is hard living with a loved one who has cancer. I may not be the one fighting cancer, but I watched as my mom grew weaker, and my dad struggled to do everything that the two of them once split between them, and my brother and I -- both so far away from them -- watched, wishing that we could do more.
This is what I have learned from living with a loved one who has cancer:
1. You don’t have to be strong all the time.
In my case, my loved one is my mother. She is my best friend, the person I go to with everything. After her diagnosis, I was walking on eggshells. I didn’t want to concern her with the “trivial” things of my life like my classes or problems with a friend. I didn’t want to show her just how scared I was or ask all the questions that were constantly flooding my thoughts. Until one night I was sitting on the couch with my mom, the first time I had been able to come home to see her since her diagnosis, and she said to me, “It’s okay if you want to cry.” Just like that, I folded into the young girl who used to sit on her mother’s lap and let her soothe me as I cried for her. It was then that I realized I don’t always have to be strong for my mom; I just have to have faith that she will be okay, because sometimes faith is a greater force than strength.
2. You become accustomed to your “new normal.”
I kept thinking to myself that soon this would all be over and our lives would go “back to normal.” But it never really does. My mom will always be fighting cancer, even if she isn’t undergoing treatment at that immediate moment. When you have cancer, the doctor’s appointments, monitoring, and blood tests never stop. Life can never be how it was before the diagnosis, but you will be surprised by how quickly you get used to your new normal. If you look at my mom now, you would have no idea that this smiling, strong looking woman just finished four intense months of chemotherapy. She gained back her strength (and her hair) and day by day she became more and more like the mom I had before the cancer that went shopping with me, took our dog for walks, and could stay up past 8 p.m. to watch “our shows.” The cancer may change your normal routines, but the cancer doesn’t change the people you love.
3. The best thing you can do is keep living.
It felt like the world stopped when my mom was diagnosed. But the world doesn’t stop. My mind was constantly on my mom and my family. I only wanted to be with them. It was tough to come to terms with the fact that there was nothing I could do to make my mom better. I had to keep doing all the things my mom would want me to do: go to class, get good grades, and enjoy my time at college.
My mom is a runner. When I would complain about wanting to stop during a run she would tell me to pick a place in the distance and push myself to keep going until I reached the marker, and once there, pick another one in the distance and keep going. Little goals that help you make it to the finish line. You have to keep moving forward -- make it hard for the cancer to keep up.
4. People don’t always know how to react.
Unfortunately, cancer is not a rarity, but many people still do not know how to react when they hear a friend, neighbor, or loved one has been diagnosed with some variation of this ugly disease. It’s sad and difficult to comprehend. Many people associate cancer with a death sentence, especially the cancers that aren’t talked about often, like ovarian cancer. In my experience, the best responses were when people said, “This must be really tough for your family, but you are in my thoughts and prayers.” Looks of sympathy are natural, but looking at us like my mother is going to die is not doing anyone any good. The people who cooked for us, sent us cards, and helped drive my mom to and from doctors appointments were such a blessing to have. But even the smallest of gestures like telling us that you believed she would overcome this meant the world to us. Faith goes a long way.
5. Find the sunshine.
It sounds cliché but this experience has taught us to live everyday like it is your last. Some days I forget that my mom has cancer, and other days it is all I worry about. However, the worry isn’t going to change anything. My family and I chose to take control of what we can. We spend more time together, say “I love you” more often, and celebrate all of life’s little victories. It’s easy to let the hard parts take over, but it feels better to find the sunshine on a cloudy day.
Cancer is a part of your life but it doesn’t have to be your whole life. Since her diagnosis, my mom has decided to live her life by a Maya Angelou quote; “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” Mom, you make people feel important and loved. You managed to still be an incredible mother and friend through some of the hardest months of your life. You have taught me how love and faith can be more powerful than even the scariest of times. Cancer has turned our lives upside down, but we persevere because for now, having the opportunity to live each day with our loved one is the way to beat cancer.
