I hate disappointing people. I always attend class, I never miss work, and I am mortified if I'm ever late to anything. I (almost excessively) communicate with everyone around me so we're always on the same page and no one is ever left guessing. I do this without even expecting the same courtesy in return.
This week I caught a nasty virus that basically immobilized me for days. During this time I realized just how much I lived my life for other people.
I had never missed class due to being sick, and I just assumed my professors wouldn't believe me. Calling in sick for work was the hardest thing I had ever had to do, especially for three days in a row; I almost just went on the third day to lessen my guilt even though I was physically exhausted after walking for less than five minutes (which is a common symptom of most viruses).
I was frustrated with myself for not being able to pull myself together so I could stop letting people down...as if it was my choice to be sick and I was the one to blame for not just sucking it up. I felt as though I could downplay being sick so I could keep getting things done for everyone around me.
Now I have multiple papers to write and tests to study for as finals week quickly approaches. These things have been expected of me to complete even when I could hardly leave my bed, and of course it's my fault for not starting them earlier.
Listen, I'm not drying to deny responsibility of these things. As a person, there are certain things that are expected of me to do, like going to class and writing papers.
The point I'm trying to make is, I don't have to push myself to my physical limit to avoid inconveniencing anyone around me, especially when I know they wouldn't do the same. If being sick is one of the only moments in my life where I can just think about myself then I'll take it
If this virus killed me tomorrow, all the people I think I'm inconveniencing would find a way to get everything done and move on. So while I'm still alive I'm going to focus on my health and worry about myself more rather than living for everyone around me.
