I am coming to you live, from the slave colonies on Mars, to confirm the recent claims made by one guest on the Alex Jones Show.
On the 30th of June, 2017, NASA has denied the presence of slave colonies on Mars. I have come here to rebuke their claim, as I am currently on Mars, supervising the slave children.
However, I must clear up the rumor that these children are in any way "Sex Slaves." No, they are just regular slaves. You see, we (NASA) need them for a very important task that adults cannot accomplish. In our colonies, we noticed a distinct lack of tantrums. That's right. Tantrums. You see, we cannot have a properly functioning colony without these tantrums. We even use it as an energy source. I know it sounds hard to believe so let me break it down for you.
Imagine the amount of emotional energy that goes into a tantrum. The yelling, the screaming, the immature insults slung like tiny pebbles. All of that energy is harvested during the tantrum and then fed into vital systems like Life Support.
It's not just tantrums, however. We also make great use of a child's energy from crying about literally anything. We've all seen those blog posts about "Why My Kid Is Crying". The hashtags, the videos, the tweets. The emotional energy that goes into crying about literally anything and everything is so potent that we can use one episode of crying over the the fact we won't let her lick the dog to power the agricultural bay for a week and a half.
Want more examples of a child's usefulness on Mars? It's not just toddlers that assist us. It's the bigger kids too. They help us through a myriad of ways, the most prominent of which being?
Video Games.
Yes, the emotional energy that goes into trying to beat that boss in Skyrim is significant. Even if you can't see it. Which, to be fair, even their parents couldn't see it. However, it became obvious to our scientists when we tried to interrupt them mid-battle. The pure rage that came from daring to speak to them while they were busy, coupled with the consistent blame that followed them losing the battle, followed by an inevitable "rage quit" was enough to convince our scientists that children do not outgrow their usefulness to the Mars Colony after age 5.
In fact, the best source of energy comes from teenagers.
We often set up rumors about parties being thrown by their crush, and then routinely tell our assigned teenager that they cannot go. Followed by asking them to do chores, or turn off the T.V. or put down their phone.
With this however, we have to be extremely careful as we have blown a few power grids trying to collect the energy from their emotional turmoil.
It's not all bad, though.
Each supervisor is in charge of 3 children. One from each age group.
We have pizza night that is occasionally canceled for our "family" if we haven't met our energy quota.
The kids have access to the latest video games, the most well-mannered pets, and the best education available.
I know people are up in arms about them being "Kidnapped" but they weren't. Every child here is a grade A human from earth, harvested from local Adoption agencies and group homes. So while you're all up in arms about abortion because "adoption is an option" remember that we're just making use of the millions of children still in the system.
Really, we're just trying to help.
Live Long And Prosper.
