Last weekend I sat in my dorm room for eight hours straight.
I sat in my dorm room, let it get dark as the sun went down, let the knocks on my door go unanswered, let the calls go to voicemail, and slept to make the empty feeling inside, go away.
Or maybe it wasn't an empty feeling. Because I was feeling something.
I was feeling a little unsteady.
I was feeling magnificently small in an enormous world.
I was feeling lost in the immensity of the human race.
I was feeling weak, fragile, unwanted, unworthy, breakable, self-conscious, and scared. When I normally felt strong, confident, and brave; or at least I could portray that I felt like that.
In my head, I was telling myself "Get out of your room. Be strong. Be confident. Be brave. Have your crap together." but in that moment, I didn't even want to face the girls on my floor because I knew I wouldn't be able to fake it.
So I hid away in my room and shamed myself for being so weak and broken. I was shaming myself for letting myself and everyone around me down.
But where did this mindset come from? Ah, yes. Because I simply didn't have everything figured out.
But after those eight hours, I realized something.
It was okay to feel unsteady. It was absolutely okay to not have life all figured out. It was more than okay to give myself some time to just sit in silence.
But what wasn't okay is that I let my silent time become destructive. I let myself wallow in self-pity and depreciation, only digging myself into this dark hole. I had expectations for myself, that I would somehow manage to have life figured out at age nineteen and have myself put together with no cracks or ripped edges.
That's not realistic.
At any age, no one will have life completely figured out. *if you do, please, let all of us know
At any point, no one will be perfectly put together- because we are all flawed.
And I think what not just I, but everyone needs to realize, is that it's okay to show ourselves grace.
When we so often teach children to treat others with love and kindness, we treat them to be respectful and gentle... we need to be teaching them that they also need to treat themselves with love, kindness, respect, and gentleness.
When we are taught that we are special and unique, we need to believe it. Because there is no other life like our own.
Yes, the world is enormous. And the human race is immense. But you, and I, we are unique. We all have something different to offer this world. And if you don't know what that is just quite yet; that's okay. Neither do I.
So as much as those eight hours in my dorm room sucked; I'm glad I had those eight hours.
I came out of that room understanding that it's okay to not be okay.
It's okay to admit you don't have everything figured out.
It's okay to take time for yourself.
It's okay to be a little unsteady.