The beginning of this summer started off normal. I was re-adjusting to life back home after living at school. Like any average college student, I was coming to terms with the fact that everything you eat and drink DOES catch up to you. As I was starting to accept the fact that I needed to lose a few pounds, life threw me a major curveball. Three days before I was due to leave for Ireland, I woke up in the middle of the night with an excruciatingly bad sore throat. Me being me, assumed it was just allergies and ignored it. Well, the next day my symptoms became unavoidable. I could not breath and it was evident that something else was going on. I have had asthma for a while, so this was nothing new for me. So, I was sent in for a chest x-ray to check for pneumonia. Well, the doctor didn’t find any pneumonia, but they did find something wrong with my esophagus. After countless tests and appointments, I was diagnosed with what is called esophageal Achalasia. Essentially the muscle in my esophagus doesn’t open like it should, so my food and drinks do not digest properly.

So, here I was, stuck at home with this rare condition that only impacts about one in every 200,000 people worldwide. What great, wonderful news to start my summer with. However, here is the kicker: I have had swallowing pain for a while. I can remember when it started when I was in the 7th grade and I was throwing up regularly. I was always told that these physical symptoms were just anxiety. When my dad shared with me that I should be happy that I have an answer as to what is going on and that it can be fixed, I shook my head in disagreement. I have always classified myself as a hypochondriac, but with the underlying knowledge that there is nothing physically wrong with me. While this condition is manageable, I could not get the thought of my head that there is something physically wrong with me. I had grown accustomed to the idea that the physical symptoms are not real in that they are all anxiety fabricated. However, that was not the case here.

While I constantly fight with my anxiety, it has also assumed the role of a warm and fuzzy blanket, because it is something that I am so used to. I know anxiety. I know how to combat my attacks. Never before did I have to deal with upper endoscopies, outpatient procedures, barium swallows etc. Despite hearing from the doctor after my first procedure that I was stable to travel, I was still not so sure. I always unintentionally think about the worst occurring and I could just imagine myself in a hospital somewhere in Dublin, thousands away from my family, friends and home with this weird issue. I was on the fence about coming here, but it was after a screaming fight that I had with my mom when I realized that I was letting myself succumb to my anxiety. I talk a big game about staring anxiety in the face, but here I was letting it own and consume me. I'll never forget the moment when it all changed for me that day. I was teary eyed sprawled across my bed staring at the ceiling and I decided that I was so sick of feeling sorry for myself and I realized that for my sanity (and parents) sanity, I needed to go out on my task to continue exploring the world.

I said an extra long prayer that day before packing and driving to the airport. Before getting on the plane, I was not completely sure that there would be anyone to pick me up in Dublin. But, for once, I decided that I was not, as my mom says “borrow trouble”. I put one step in front of the other. I settled into my plane seat with a movie, and as the plane took off I said “Jesus, I place my trust in you.” Before I knew it, I was sitting in an Irish pub with my program coordinator re-telling the story of what it took to get me here. Now, I am in Dublin looking back on that experience with a sense of gratitude. That whole experience cemented for me the fact that faith comes from within and that strength comes from having faith that everything will be okay. So friends, take a risk. Do that thing you always wanted to do but never had the courage to do, because I promise you, you have the strength required to accomplish anything no matter how intimidating and scary it may seem. Put one foot in front of the other and just confidently go for it. You SO got this.