“But responding to destruction by rebuilding is one thing; visiting it upon oneself is another.”
–Michael Jackson, "The Palm of the Mind"

I came across this quote while doing homework for a class I am taking this semester. It was located at the end of a paragraph about creative destruction. Creative destruction can be found during those moments in life where one experiences some sort of destruction; as a result, a form of creation occurs. Jackson emphasizes picking up the pieces and moving on. To put it simply, and in a much lighter form, creative destruction is kind of like in the movie “Inside Out” when Joy discovers that all of Riley’s memories encompass both happiness and sadness. This discovery changes the way Joy moves forward.

The end is not the end. The end is a new beginning.

Running across this Michael Jackson quote really got me thinking about myself.

In many ways, I feel as if my depression has destroyed me. It has taken a lot of things away from me. Trying to rebuild myself seems pointless because I don’t really want to be that girl anymore. I am not trying to put all the pieces back together. I want to be better.

I sat with my roommate the other day discussing how different my life has been since I got help. My depression is the result of a lack of chemical balance in my brain; the anti-depressant has helped that. I feel like an entirely new person.

I laugh a lot more. I smile more. I enjoy dancing with my friends (who would have thought I would ever say that?). That inner spark that I have been missing for so long is back. Getting help I feel like a better me. I am the girl I’ve always wanted to be.

There are moments when I’m not exactly sure if those around me have ever gotten the chance to get to know the real me. They’ve met numb, drained and consistently uninterested Katie; I’m not that girl anymore. Granted, there are still days where I will run completely out of spoons, but those days are nowhere near as frequent as they used to be. Instead of having energy to only do the bare minimum, I find myself being excited to do things. I look forward to new opportunities in ways I haven’t in almost six years.

Prior to this summer, as my college career progressed, I began to feel more and more incompetent. I did not feel as if I was capable of the work required of me. I was crippled by my anxiety. I did not feel that I was on the same playing field as my classmates.

It’s all different now.

The future looks better and brighter than it ever has. I am comfortable and confident in my abilities and in who I am.

I have found it extremely difficult to sit down and write about the girl I used to be. By writing about my old self, I am recognizing not only how hard she fell but how she had more faults than I want to admit. To be honest, I am disappointed that I allowed myself to get so low. It is so disappointing realizing how unkind I was to myself.

My depression may have shaped the course of my high school and college career thus far, but it has not won. I have learned when it is best to keep to myself and when it is best to speak up for help. I have learned how to handle several situations a lot better, and I have learned how to manage my spoons.

Instead of focusing on the girl I used to be, I am spending time discovering the woman I have become.