Have you ever heard the saying, “Too much of a bad thing makes a worse thing?” Okay, I don’t know if it’s an actual saying, but I decided to put it to the test by listening to all of Blink-182… ALL of Blink-182.
8:15 a.m.: My journey starts with Blink-182’s second demo tape, Buddha. My optimism is as high as Mark Hoppus’ bass notes in the “Carousel” intro. Then, Tom DeLonge’s nasally voice pierces through my headphones and reminds me of the pain that lies ahead. That pain comes in the form of a song called “TV,” which is a song about watching TV.
8:42:“Toast and Bananas" is about to start playing. Ah, I remember eating a piece of toast with bananas on it while I listened to this song. Much like the song itself, the snack was a little disappointing. The toast made the banana slices too warm. I like my bananas like I like my showers: cold.
8:49: Buddha ends. After, I take a five-minute break to consider if this article is worth it, I listened to the three-song EP, They Came to Conquer Uranus. The first track on the EP is called “Wrecked Him.” I may not love the pun, but I respect it. Nothing else exciting happens on this release, but the song “Zulu” is a bit appropriative of Zulu traditions (I don’t think that Tom DeLonge could actually “start" [his] own African tribe).
9:03: I start to play Cheshire Cat. The album starts the same way Buddha did, and Delonge’s voice still spins me on a “caaaroooousel.” This album actually has most of the songs that were on Buddha. Hooray for consistency…
9:06: “M+M’s” begins. Hoppus sings that they will “buy some candy and cigarettes” before they get in his car. I would like to take this opportunity to warn you about the dangers of cigarettes, Mr. Hoppus. Millions of Americans die every year from smoking. Do you really want to leave your children without their father? Thank you for your time, Mr. Hoppus.
9:08: “M+M’s” ends with the line, “Is this going to be the end, or are you going to be my new girlfriend?” Wow, killer line. I am totally going to borrow that. It is slightly concerning that the song ends right there, though.
9:14: Tom DeLonge yells “Go!” for the sixth time.
9:32: “Wasting Time” plays and reminds me of the girl I had a crush on my freshmen year of high school. One of the lines in the song is, “Maybe I’ll impress her by being in a band.” Nope, zero percent impressed. It was actually pretty embarrassing when she found out about that. As for the line “or am I just wasting my time,” the answer was yes. Nothing ever happened with that girl, but she was the first person to tell me that I—wait, did he just sing “and in my town you can’t drive naked?” Okay, flashback ruined.
9:47: The album ends with three painfully unfunny joke songs. After a six-minute break to bash my head on my desk, I start Dude Ranch.
9:53: “I know I’m pathetic…” yeah, that about sums up my experience so far.
9:57: Great, this songs about voyeurism. He is a literal peeping Tom.
10:00: “Dammit,” what a name for a song. Remember that band I mentioned earlier? This was one of the few songs we could play. You haven’t heard pain until you’ve heard me yelling the words to this song while hitting the wrong notes on the bass. Don’t worry, though. You can fill yourself in on the pain by listening to all of Blink-182 instead.
10:14: I take “Apple Shampoo” has nothing to do with apple shampoo.
10:32: After a 15-minute break, I begrudgingly resume my quest.
10:40: I know I’ve listened to too much Blink-182 because I think it’s totally normal for a song to be about Princess Leia.
10:47: Tom DeLonge and Mark Hoppus continuously apologize in “I’m Sorry.” I’m sorry I had to listen to it too, guys.
10:49 The album ends with a dog drinking out of a toilet. Time to look on the bright side, only seven to go..!
11:13 After a 24-minute break to find a hammer with which to smash my phone, I continue my journey. The next album is the 1999 classic, Enema of the State. There’s a porn star dressed like a nurse on the cover, how inane could this be?
11:15: In “Dumpweed,” Tom DeLonge tells me to “turn my back and run now” because I “haven’t got a chance now.” I should really take his advice. I did take his advice right after I saw them in concert a few years ago, though. After the show my friend and I were standing in the hallway when two men with $90 Cuban Cigars invited us to a party with “booze, cigars and hot single women.” We didn’t know what to do until a woman ran into the hallway and yelled “Julio, leave dem kids alone!” He then realized that we were only fifteen, but said we could still have the cigars and hot single women. We said no and went back to our room. My brother didn’t let us back into the hallway after that.
11:19: “Alien’s Exist,” and they’re the reason Tom DeLonge left the band.
11:27: “Dysentery Gary” must be awful at Oregon Trail.
11:41: “All the Small Things” is either about small things that let Tom DeLonge know his girlfriend loves him or Donald Trump’s fingers. I really can’t tell.
11:47: “Mutt” starts with the line, “He pauses shaving and he tells himself that he is the bomb.” I do that every morning.. Is that not a normal thing to do?
11:52: “Anthem” ends with Tom DeLonge repeatedly singing, “I time bomb.” Where’s the verb? Maybe I’m just listening to it wrong. He’s probably saying “I, time bomb, eye time bomb.” I think that makes the most sense.
11:54: Another album down, and most of my sanity is still intact. It’s about to get difficult, though. I have to listen to the live album. Its time for The Mark, Tom, and Travis Show: The Enema Strikes Back!
11:57: After deciding that playing the album with no sound does not count as “listening” to it, I start the live album. It starts with “Dumpweed” again, and I realize that I’ve already heard most of these songs today.
12:02 p.m.: Tom DeLonge pretends to be Satan and asks people to take off their pants. I pretend to be amused, but I am unsuccessful.
12:06: This song is called “Family Reunion,” so I think Mark Hoppus’ family might consist of Joe Pesci in Goodfellas, Jeff Bridges in The Big Lebowski and Chloëë Grace Mortez in Kick-Ass.
12:10: Tom DeLonge “Go!” count: fourteen.
12:11: “Going Away to College” isn’t that bad of a song. It’s all pretty sweet that Mark Hoppus changes the lyrics to tell his wife she is beautiful. This may just be the music getting to me, but I’m starting to think that he’s a sweet guy.
12:15: Travis Barker tells them to stop making jokes. They don’t. Travis and I are both disappointed.
12:24: Satan is back, and he loves poetry, pictures of unicorns and long walks on the beach. Wow, sounds like Satan has a lot in common with Dakota Fanning.
12:30: I take a half hour break to eat lunch and put my ears through a paper shredder.
1:00: I return with both ears intact. Tom DeLonge yells his fifteenth “Go!”
1:08: They play “Carousel.” It’s a song so nice I’ve heard it thrice.
1:28: The show ends with “Dammit,” and I have another band flashback. It’s definitely top three on my list of embarrassing things.
1:32: Now there’s ten minutes of “Words of wisdom,” which are just really bad sex jokes strung together. There’s one where they get the crowd to yell dirty words. One time I wrote some dirty words on my sisters car at a gas station. I told her that I did it, and she wanted to kill me. That is, until she found out that I had literally written “some dirty words” in the dust on her window.
1:42: Out of song, out of jokes, praise the lord! Now stop praising, because it’s time for Take off Your Pants and Jacket. But first, I’m going to take two minutes to clean my ears out with soap.
1:44: The album begins with a 27-year-old man singing about being a child controlled by adults. Talk about tapping into the market.
1:48: “Online Songs” mentions screennames and instant messaging. Now that’s a dated reference.
1:51: Speaking of dated references, “First Date” just started. That segue sounded better in my head.
2:03: I can’t stand this anymore. My head might explode from all of the angst. Every single song so far has been about being a teenager! There was being an angry teenager, being an angry teenager whose girlfriend left him, being a teenager nervous about going on a date, being a teenager angry that he didn’t wrap Christmas presents, being a pathetic teenager who’s sad at prom, being a horny teenager at warped tour, and being a sad teenager whose parents are getting divorced. These are grown men singing these songs!
2:09: “Reckless Abandon:” a song about being an angry teenager who wants a fun summer and feeds pot brownies to his dog.
2:13: I need to take a break or I will break my phone. I want to stop more than ever, but I commit to each and every joke.
2:20: Okay, time to start again. Maybe it will get better now?
2:21: Nope. “Give Me One Good Reason:” A song about teenagers that don’t fit in with other teenagers.
2:27: In “Please Take Me Home,” 27-year-old teenager Tom DeLonge asks “Why did we have to go date? It’s to easy to complicate.” You had to date her because you liked her, bro. Do you really just want to be her friend and fawn over her like that? That’s going to get painful. And yeah, you won’t be friends with her when you break up, but you’ll make other friends. Sometimes you win, buddy, and sometimes you don’t win.
2:30: Somehow, someway, I survived Take off Your Pants and Jacket. And now for the self-titled—wait. I didn’t listen to the bonus tracks. These, these are the worst tracks in the catalog.. I also have to go to YouTube to find them.
2:34: Tom DeLonge wants to do unspeakable things to a dog.
2:35: I hear another generic, sexist song about how girls are mean.
2:52: I finish the last song from this era. I then go clean the angst out of my ears with a Q-Tip so I can start the self-titled album.
2:55: The angst meter has been turned down from eleven to six for “Feeling This.” It should get easier from here.
3:05: When I hear “I Miss You,” I think about how much I miss other music.
3:16: Sure, “The Fallen Interlude” is great, because who doesn’t love elevator music. Whenever I hear this song I think about talking about the butterfly effect with my friends in ninth grade. Right now I’m thinking of the nine-step chain that caused me to listen to all of this. I know whose fault it is, and I’m a little surprised.
3:20: After “Go,” the Tom DeLonge “Go!” counter has reached thirty-nine.
3:45: The album was serious and mature until the live version of “Anthem Pt. 2” played at the end and restarted my angst-fueled rage. Now I have to take a break to put my fist through a few walls.
4:07: Why did they have to break up in 2005? Now I have to listen to their Greatest Hits album and hear every song again. It starts with “Carousel.” I am so glad I get to hear it for the fourth time today.
4:28: “Man Overboard” plays and warns me of the approaching Take off Your Pants and Jacket tracks.
4:29-4:40: I put a pair of scissors to my headphone cord just in case things get too rough, but my headphones and I both make it through.
4:45: Halfway through “I Miss You” I realize that this has been going on for eight and a half hours. I still have two albums left after this.
4:54: “Not Now” plays. I know I’ve complained quite a bit about this music, but I absolutely love this song. “And taaaake, my one last breaaath, cause I will be right here, waiting. DONA NA NA NA NA NA NA NANA NANA”
5:00: “Aliens Exist” live? I’d rather not, but I guess I’ll have to do it.
5:04: Greatest Hits ends and Neighborhoods immediately begins with “Ghost on the Dancefloor." This album shouldn’t hurt, I don’t think there are any jokes on it. I know it makes the article more boring, but it’s better for my mental health.
5:12: “Up All Night” plays. The song was announced in 2009, but the band didn’t release it until 2011. I remember sitting in my friend’s house anxiously waiting to hear it on the radio. We were all pretty disappointed, but I lied and said I liked it. I actually do like it now a little. Relax! I said a little!
7:30: I’ve listened to the album on and off over the past two hours without taking notes. “Wishing Well” is a good song, and that’s the only important part.
7:32: “And, it isn’t so bad, its driving you mad even if she falls in love!” Okay I like that one a lot, too. She just sounds awesome. Good way to end Neighborhoods.
7:35: I just remembered that they released an EP in 2012. I never listened to it, but now I have to do that. So now it’s time for Dogs Eating Dogs.
7:37: “When I Was Young” features the line “It’s the worst damn day” over and over. I completely agree.
7:40: Is it bad that I’m enjoying this EP? That’s bad, right?
7:46: I can’t tell if “Boxing Day” is happy or somber with a peppy tune. I guess it doesn’t matter if you don’t listen to the lyrics.
7:48: Definitely somber with a peppy tune.
7:53: “Pretty Little Girl” features a surprise rap part! And the EP ends. Goodbye, Tom DeLonge, its time for you to “Go!” I hope you find your aliens. Matt Skiba just doesn’t do your odd, nasally voice justice.
8:03: One. More. Album. It is time for California.
8:06: Is “Bored to Death” about how I’ve felt today?
8:19: “I want to see some naked dudes. That’s why I built this pool.” That is an entire song on this album. Yes, that is really it.
8:30: These “Teenage Satellites” are in their forties.
8:40: The song “San Diego” is about Tom DeLonge. Also, the MLB used this song to promote the All Star Game in San Diego. I find that a little weird considering the actual line from the song is “Can’t go back to San Diego.”
8:50: The album ends with a thirty second song that goes, “There’s something about you that I can’t quite put my finger in.” Twelve and a half hours and that is how it ends. Wow.
I may need therapy after this ordeal. I may have found a new form of torture, though. I tried to make someone do this recently. To her, I offer my sincerest and deepest apologies.
