chulpk chulpk kruazk krauzk argch arcgh

chomp chomp glug glug glug cham chulgh

uhmgulp vwompt vwomp meup meup gulp

Despite popular belief, those are not the first words of the new language Matthew McConaughey is trying to create. They are the written translation of loud chewing sounds. The sounds of obnoxiously loud eating has been the cause of multiple homicides. In these situations, the assailant is typically trying to concentrate or study. But can we really call the murderer in this case the assailant? It should be argued that the loud eater is the assailant, and the poor ears of the murderer are the victim being violently attacked by the sound of eating. All the murderer wants to do is study! Can they even be blamed for their actions? The anger that quickly grabs your heart and mind when you hear those first loud crunch chew sounds is all consuming.

However, this is an unbiased publication, an unbiased article, let’s not pretend that we haven’t all been in that situation where you forgot that the only snack you have left is the crunchiest of carrots, and you are simply starving. You have no choice but to disturb the peace. And please let’s get one thing straight, biting down slowly does nothing to lower the decibel of your eating. In fact, I’d argue that the slow cautious eaters are almost more annoying than those that brazenly chow through their chips at maximum speed. We understand the perils of being on both sides of this horrible situation, those who accidentally bring loud food and those who have to hear it being consumed. Of course, I am operating under the assumption that no one purposely tries to make as much noise when eating, that no one uses loud crunchy chewing sounds as a form of aural warfare against their enemies. Because that would be unspeakably despicable, and I’d like to believe no human is capable of that evil.

There are of course appropriate times and places for loud crunchy chewing and some of the loudest foods are simply too good to go without. This is just a list of foods to avoid when you’re in inappropriate loud food places, such as the library or that one class that you aren’t allowed to be eating in even though it is during lunch time.

• Carrots: Most raw vegetables will let out an ear-splitting crunch and crack with every bite, so avoid these. And as Ron Swanson says, we aren’t rabbits, there is no need to eat these anyways.
• Ice: Okay technically not a food but still. I do not care how thirsty you are and how you have finished the remnants of your Diet Coke and now just have the ice and so must crunch it for survival. Don’t do it.
• Sun Chips: The infamous loud bag has been discontinued despite being public enemy number one for a while, and again responsible for several homicides, but that doesn’t mean the chips themselves are now all of a sudden “quiet."
• Those big sourdough pretzels: Obviously not the soft ones. Why would you even ask that? The hard ones. The ones that could possibly break a tooth if you were really giving them a good gnaw.
• Cape Cod Potato Chips, as those Bostonians say or as we normal humans say, kettle-cooked potato chips: Louder than the normal potato chips which are still relatively loud. Yes believe me I know these chips are the “house chips” Bauer makes so deliciously. Still just don’t eat them in the lib.
• Corn nuts (apparently): I don’t really know having never had a corn’s nuts before but according to my sources when you eat them they can get pretty loud.
• Doritos: I think someone once made a funny video about eating Doritos in the law library (acapella group maybe?). The law students mercilessly tarred and feathered this bloke so I think this one goes without saying.
• Humans: They scream too much, you really can’t eat them in a social setting without feeling rude.
• Funyuns: Also these smell. They are in the same crunch family as say pork rinds (vom) and Cheetos and puffy Cheetos. But since Cheetos, especially flaming hots, are such a good hangover cure I’ll let this one slide.
• Pickles: This combines a strange mix of moist eating sounds and crunchy eating sounds that make pickle sounds pretty unpleasant.
• A head of Llttuce: Akin to the famous SNL Digital Short featuring Andy Samberg and Will Forte, entitled "Lettuce." So many layers of slightly moist crunching!
• Whipped cream from an aerosol can: Eating the whipped cream isn’t the problem here, it’s more that skzzzzth sound that spraying out the whipped cream makes.
• Those funny brown circles in Chex Mix ® : Yes we all know and agree that those are the best part of Chex Mix and probably one of the best parts of life, but their CrunchScore™ is off the charts.

TLDR; Avoid foods with a CrunchScoreTM or a MoistMetric® of Q67z or above.