I've been feeling like I'm stuck in a dark tunnel recently. I can see the light ahead, but no matter how much energy I can muster to run towards it, the end never materializes.
This chronic illness stuff is tricky in ways you could not believe. Aside from the actual symptoms, Doctors can rarely agree on the best form of action; life is so unpredictable and planning for the future is like trying to do a Rubix cube while wearing a blindfold. My every day has become a tap dance on a glass ceiling; push even the slightest bit too hard and the whole thing comes crashing down.
It is possible to stop walking through the tunnel, to lie down and assign yourself to your fate. However, when ends don’t meet and rent needs paying and food continues to be a necessity, giving up isn’t really an option.
And I haven’t changed. I’m still as stubborn and ambitious as ever. I’m not about to let my dreams die, no matter how ludicrous they seem at the current moment.
Still, this tunnel is exhausting me. Each step I take is in blind faith that it will get better – brighter – and maybe one day, it could even end. Sometimes I worry that I'm kidding myself; that this is it and is there is no improvement possible. Am I killing myself by trying to create a life that is incapable of existing? Why am I wasting my time on being healthy if I could still be sick forever anyway?
I’m glad you asked.
The light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how small, is there. It exists as a glisten of hope for better days and better times to come. Maybe I’ll never reach it, maybe all this effort is in vain, but at least it’s keeping me moving. Without that light, everything would be plunged into complete darkness. A metaphorical darkness that, unfortunately, I just can’t handle.
I don’t know if I can reduce my pain and suffering, but I do know that I will never stop trying.