Anx•i•e•ty /noun/ “a feeling of worry, nervousness or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.
“You have a mental illness.” “Here is your prescription for Xanax.” "Maybe you should seek some counseling.”
These are all the things that you are told when you are trying to take control of this darkness that has engulfed you. What they don’t tell you is how much it will change your life, forever.
I remember my first attack like it happened yesterday. About a year ago I had my first anxiety attack. Now, your body has the capacity to have an attack for up to 20 to 30 minutes. This happened to me on and off for six hours. I was in fight or flight mode. My mind was telling me I was dying, and my body was fighting against that. For two minutes I would be freezing cold, and the next two I would be boiling hot. I was shaking for six hours straight. My core body temperature fell to 95 degrees; that’s borderline hypothermia level. Now, keep in mind this was my first attack and I had no idea why this was happening to me.
The next day, I woke up thinking I was lucky to be alive after that. Just thinking about what happened had a trigger effect. I took to the Internet and found out that I had a panic attack. At the time, I thought that would be the only attack I'd have. I was completely wrong. I then was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. Over the course of time, I found out that one of my triggers is feeling breathless. My mind would then start to tell my body that I was dying when in reality I was not. Anxiety has changed my entire life.
Anxiety sneaks up on you when you don’t expect it. It’s like this constant demon following you to when and if it will attack you. You are in a constant battle against your mind, and let’s be honest, your mind can be very scary. Anxiety is a game of chess; there are going to be chances that you will be able to beat your mind, but most of the time you are always going to lose.
Looking back to my life before anxiety, I was extremely happy. I lived my life to the fullest and I would laugh my heart out. When I would hear of people with anxiety, I would always say, “Yeah, I know what it’s like to have that,” when really I didn’t. I had this idea of what anxiety was, but until it actually happened to me, I didn't realize it was a million times worse. I would never wish this on my worst enemies.
I don’t like thinking about the fact that I have a mental illness, but I think that’s because there is still so much stigma behind the term “mental illness.” Anxiety has destroyed a huge part of my life, but it’s been a learning experience. I’ve learned to tell my mind that I’m OK. There will be days that it will work and there will be days that it won’t. There are many people in my family that have anxiety, and there are so many people in this world that have anxiety, but so many people don't believe it's real. Just because you can’t see it,doesn’t mean it’s not real. Just because you can’t see the wind doesn’t mean there isn’t wind. It’s like saying someone that has a broken arm should just “get over it.” You can’t just get over it. It takes time, energy, effort and hope.
I hope this brings a sense of comfort for those that are feeling hopeless with this illness. I hope you know that you are never going through this alone. I hope that for those that haven’t been very much aware of anxiety, this brings a sense of understanding of those that go through it.
The more we talk about mental illness, the less stigma it will have. The less stigma there is, the more likelihood those struggling will feel a sense of normality.
