Unlike all the other 12 years old girls who were making bracelets, playing with Easy-Bake ovens, and starting to take an interest in boys, I was thinking about life. I had my first anxiety attack at the age of 12. My family and I were all sitting on the couch watching "Jeopardy" when I felt it. I didn’t want to die; I didn’t want my mom to die. I was too young. My whole body filled up with heat, head to toe. I started to sweat, slowly losing control of my breathing and vision. I was dying; I thought to myself, I had to be. I was beyond terrified so I screamed for my mom. My mom took me outside, and at the time we had this bench right in front of one of the big windows outside. She sat me down and talked. She talked about life, about how one-day life is going to change. That there will be days that I feel like life, as I know it is over and that one day there will be a day that I have to carry on without her. That was when I really lost it. All I could do was cry and hug her, I never wanted to let go.
My anxiety held me back from experiencing a lot of things. I loved the idea of sleepovers; hanging out with your best friend, staying up all night, watching movies, giving each other makeovers and talking about boys. What 12-year-old girl wouldn’t? I didn’t, I couldn’t, but I tried. I’d go over my friends’ house and we would hang out all night or as late as we were allowed to but as soon as it was time to go to bed, I would lose it. My mind would race. What if something bad happened? My friends’ mom doesn’t know me that well? What if I needed my mom but I couldn’t contact her? It was the worst feeling. So at 2 AM, every sleepover I would call my mom to come pick me up. This went on for years. My friends started to say things to me, and even their moms would make little comments under their breaths.
Middle school came around fast, it alone already comes with its own issues and worries. However, I had anxiety by my side all throughout middle school, making my two years harder than it had to be. In 8th grade, I was taking American History II. We were working on presentation, and I was having anxiety since the first day I found out that we were going to have to stand in front of the entire class and speak. But I was scared to talk to anyone and ask for help. I wasn’t able to advocate for myself. The day of the presentation came around and I couldn’t do it. I woke up in a panic, sweating, my heart racing, tunnel vision, everything. My mom had no idea what was going on at school, so she told me that I could just take the day off. I was so relieved. Thinking my teacher wouldn’t make me present because I wasn’t there. Little did I know I would soon find out from a friend that my teacher announced that I would present the next day. Still keeping my feelings to myself, I was able to fall asleep peacefully. I was the next morning when again, I woke up in a panic. I was going to throw up, I had taken off all my clothes because I was sweating, I was weak but my mom wanted me to go to the bathroom. So she helped my up off of the bed and I made to into the hallways right in front of my brother before I fainted, hitting my head on the way down. When I opened my eyes, the paramedics were there, checking my vitals. Making sure I was stable to transport to the ER. Once there, they performed numerous tests- everything was fine.
A couple of years past, and two friends and I went to California for a week. They are two friends that I have been close with ever since birth, basically family. I trusted both of them equally. The trip started off fine and we were having a blast until one night, one of my friends did a complete one-eighty. Towards the end of the trip, she started calling me names, and attacking me, saying horrible things. This was someone I trusted, someone who I had been close to for so long. What happened? For the rest of the trip I become sick, psychically sick, to the point I couldn’t even stand up on the own. When I got home back to New Jersey, I wasn’t the same. I cried and screamed for two days straight, I wanted to die. I was affecting my family. Anxiety had finally taken over. My mom later that same week took me to the doctor and I got prescribed medicine.
Ever since then my anxiety has got a lot better. I have learned how to deal with it, and also how to advocate for myself. Anyone with anxiety should never go through what I did, you are never alone.
