Living with anxiety can be hard. It can be stressful, and also obnoxious. Getting into the car to just go for a drive, brings my pulse to 109. People often think that when a person has anxiety that nothing is wrong, and that they are just a hypochondriac. But that’s not true. There are actual conditions a person can have. I have a condition,it’s called “Cognitive Dissonance Disorder”. I will explain it to you the best way that I can. Cognitive Dissonance is the term used when someone has two separate beliefs that contradict each other. For example, I should brush my teeth. But I hate being in the bathroom by myself. This type of scenario repeats itself on a daily basis. If it’s not one thing, it’s another. Thoughts constantly are soaring almost always in a negative manner. I think of over 10,000 things in any given day. Constantly. Thoughts are just flowing.
I’m going to tell you a bit about my evenings and days. Sometimes I often wonder what I am going to do at night, before I go to bed. I wonder about the laundry that has to be done. I wonder about making the bed before I sleep in it. I wonder about getting the mail the next day. Or something getting lost in the mail. I wonder about if my child is going to sleep through the night. I wonder if she’s going to wake up at night. I wonder about what she does at school. I wonder about what is playing on the radio in the morning on my way to the day care. I wonder about what I am going to make my daughter for lunch before she’s eaten dinner. I wonder if my alarm will go off in the morning or if I will miss the alarm. I wonder if I will forget my phone places like on the bed stand, or in the car, or at work. I constantly am wondering where I am going to be in a year. There are days when I wonder what to do next in my life.
When it all boils down, I really just try to do the best that I can out of life. I can’t help that my brain is completely running in ten different directions. At the end of the night my daughter is cared for and safe. And I rest easy knowing that she is going to grow up to be the greatest person. She can be whatever she wants to be. She’s only 16 months old, but the time is going by so fast. I am trying to make it count because I know I can’t get it back. Time with her is precious. If I could give any advice to someone suffering from a mental invisible illness, it would be to not take anything for granted. Live your life to the fullest, because you can’t get a 2nd chance.
