I am a chronic over-apologizer. I over-apologize for almost everything I do on a daily basis. I recognize it now that it has become so ingrained in how I live my life. I am resisting the need to apologize for that habit as well.
I need to stop. What has been stopping me, ironically, is when I have stopped, a situation arises where I actually need to apologize like dropping a dish or bumping into someone. Suddenly, the planned apologies I have in my head for every possible situation I might encounter come back and take over.
Why do I, and I'm sure plenty of other people out there, do this?
Perhaps it stems from an unending strive for perfection and apologizing whenever any action does not contribute to that unattainable goal. Perhaps it stems from an underlying guilt or feelings of inadequacy or self-loathing. Perhaps it comes as an immediate reaction when least expected. Who really knows? We are all so unique and have our own reasons for performing the actions that we do.
Just to be clear, this is not an article against apologizing in general. Some apologies are most definitely warranted.
If you are being rude or say something rude, apologize.
If you accidentally hit someone, apologize.
If you press the wrong button on the vending machine and get the wrong drink for your friend, apologize but try it again or just walk away.
If you insult your brother in front of your mom, apologize.
When you mess up, you can apologize.
If you are at the store and hear something drop in the next aisle, you don't have to apologize for whoever dropped the cereal box off the shelf.
If you are reading this, you do not have to apologize.
If you exist, do not feel sorry for simply existing. You are you. Do not be sorry for that.
For me, I have been thinking about how to distinguish different types of apologies. The thing that is frightening is that it has become much harder for the people in my life and even for myself to distinguish between the anxious apologies to take up the air and the genuine, heartfelt apologies in the right situations. Genuine apologies are often followed by a non-verbal message such as a hand on the shoulder or a solemn facial expression. Apologies for the sake of apologizing are preceded by anxious thoughts or moments of feeling uncomfortable or stressed.
But why? How can I fix this? Can anyone else fix this?
As many breakthroughs do, it came at one of life's greatest joys: the drive thru.
The experience driving to Sonic with my mom and apologizing for every little thing I did while driving and apologizing when we arrived there was illuminating. I apologized for parking. I apologized for something I had said earlier in a discussion. I apologized for something I did when I was 5. I proceeded to apologize while drinking my grape Slush for having the radio on and reading a news article. After seeing my mom completely tune out for the second time in five minutes, I came to a realization after I stopped talking.
In a quick moment of introspection, it became clear.
It is difficult to love yourself when you have no idea how to not apologize constantly. Sometimes, it is best to let the silence and your actions speak for themselves. Do not negate who you are as a person. Do not apologize for being who you are.
In my head, I came up with a small list:
Examples of times where it is acceptable to apologize:
When you make a genuine mistake.
When you are expressing sympathy.
Example of a time where it is not acceptable to apologize:
When there is an empty space and you feel the need to apologize on behalf of the empty space.
Everything I have outlined here is nowhere near an explanation or a justification for a terrible habit I have developed over the course of nineteen years that is continuing to be hard to break. One day, when a situation arises because of my natural awkwardness, it will not be apologized for because that is who I am.
I hope you have gained something from reading this, hopefully a bit more understanding into a bad habit. Perhaps you are like me if you apologize daily or maybe you are lucky enough to have a mechanism or enough sense to apologize when it is necessary. Whatever it may be, please do not the scary five letter word that contains the letters S-O-R-R-Y.
