I feel less stressed when I have a busy, chaotic schedule than when I am not busy at all. Why is that? Free time is designed for relaxation, but as soon as I have a second to be alone and do nothing, I feel guilty. I think of all of the people I need to see, all of the things I should do, and disregard the fact that a little time should be set aside to do nothing. So, I make lists of every possible thing I could do to feel accomplished. I write down every single thought I have, ignoring that some thoughts are meant to be nothing more than passing messages in my mind. I feel like I need to act on every thought I have, so my lists become very lengthy and stressful. It is a struggle because I become very content with my life when the chaos of a busy spring semester schedule calms, and I feel as though I am finally in control. I stop seeking God’s guidance for how my days are to work out, and think I hold the power to plan out every single part of my day. Not only does this false sense of power add stress, but it also reveals a lack of trust in God’s plan by thinking I need to create lists of what each day will include and stress about completing them.
I write down everything from something I need to do right this second to something that needs to be done by the time I am 25, it’s absurd. In between the thoughts I transform into tasks and the legitimate tasks that need to be completed, I add people to my list. People that I want to see, should see, or feel like I should see, make their way onto my list just to be crossed off as soon as I make time for them. How pathetic and wrong is that? The other day, after dropping a random text to someone to stop and visit, I caught myself literally making a mental check beside her name on my to-do list. At that moment, I felt disgusted with myself for viewing people on the same sheet of paper that I view cleaning the toilet. I was not being genuine. I realized I am living my life based off of lists that do nothing but stress me out and make me feel like a bad person, and I need to snap out of it.
When life is viewed as a list of tasks, we are spread thin. Each day, a predetermined list of things to complete awaits us, and the pressure is on us to cross each item off. This causes us to invest a little bit of ourselves into each part of our day, without ever giving one thing 100 percent. We load up our schedule and cram all of these things into one day, things that should be of enjoyment, but they cause us stress because we put pressure on ourselves to complete too much at once. What’s the point of that? Life is too short to live list by list.
Do not spread yourself thin. Give 100 percent to every part of your day, and don’t forget to have something left to give yourself when it is all said and done. If the list doesn’t get done, who cares? If you want to call someone, call them for as long as the conversation is meant to last. If you want to see someone, visit them because you want to, not because you want to get a visitation over with so it can be absent from the next list you make. People do not deserve to be shoved into a time slot of your day so that you can cross their name off of your daily list of chores to complete.
I am obviously guilty of this, myself, and I am so glad I had the realization that people deserve sincerity and to-do lists do not run my life. Most of the time, we put the pressure on ourselves. Life is too short to be worried about how clean your house is, how groomed your yard is, and how many things you can cross off of your to-do list each day.
From now on, I am only going to write down things that have to be done by a certain deadline, and let my heart guide the rest. I will let my thoughts be thoughts, and only act on them when I feel it is genuine and necessary. If you are struggling with the same thing, I encourage you to join me. Life is a journey, not a list.
