Peanut butter is my favorite food.

When I was very young, my family made our own peanut butter. While far from being a health nut, my father’s big concern was preservatives. Those were a no-no. Peanut butter is full of preservatives, so we didn’t buy it.

I loved peanut butter.

Every few weeks, we bought one of those big Costco jars of peanuts, the ones that are the about the size of a soccer ball, only square. My father poured the whole thing into the food processor, added some honey. Boom. Preservative-free peanut butter.

It wasn’t as good as the store kind because it wasn’t full of sugar. It was probably better for me that way.

For years, I ate peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with homemade peanut butter with the jelly mixed in—another one of my father’s inventions; it kept the jelly from squishing out the sides or "soggifying" the bread.

In my teens, I finally convinced my parents to start buying normal peanut butter. It was delicious. Sugary and smooth-- it was half-cookie, half-smoothie, and still my favorite food. Peanut butter and jelly, peanut butter and honey... the best was peanut butter and Nutella.

I experimented. Peanut butter and pepperoni both make good sandwiches…but not together. It’s not awful, though; I tried.

When I was 18, I went to Capernwray Hall, a Bible school in northern England. It was the first time I’d ever been away from home for more than a couple weeks. Meals were provided, but I needed snacks. Maybe it was the cold or the fact that I spent so much time outside, but I got hungry all the time.

I didn’t have a lot of extra cash, so I bought peanut butter and a spoon.

It was cheaper to buy the “natural” peanut butter, oily and thick. At first, I missed the chemical sweetness, but rich, nutty salt won me over. It was great.

Peanut butter and a spoon saw me through loneliness, homesickness, and some of the best months of my life.

Armed with my spoon, I dealt with essays harder than any I’d previously had to write. I awkwardly tried to comfort friends who suffered from homesickness far more acutely than I. I shared chocolate with my roommates, then ate peanut butter with a spoon.

I’m back to the sugary peanut butter now, but it still takes me back. Every sandwich (or tortilla) is my childhood. Every spoon is Capernwray. I’m homesick and nostalgic and hungry all at once.

Then I’m full.