About half-way through my first semester at Mississippi State, I wrote Life After Losing You. I wrote about my personal trials with losing my father mainly for my benefit, in hopes that I would find more closure, not knowing that my words would help about 1,000 other people as well.
I've got to be honest with everyone who read that article, though. As much as it might have sounded like I had found a peace within the situation at that point, I really hadn't. Sure, over the course of time, I have found more helpful ways to cope. As far as finding peace and closure, that is absolutely necessary to continue on in life-- well I had not found that yet.
If I am being open with all of those who read that, or will read it, I was angry. So angry. I was angry at my dad for not being here, even though I know he obviously was not here to help that. I was angry at God for making this situation my reality. Most of all, I was angry with myself for letting myself get to that point.
Shortly after this, I did find peace. I found closure and answers that I had waited almost eleven years for. No, this closure doesn't erase all the hurt I've felt, but it did erase all of the anger I had resting inside of me.
So, here is my truth about finding peace for all of those struggling. Sometimes, it can be just as simple as a new outlook.
My situation wasn't actually a loss, it was just a change.
Life is actually just a course of constant change. We grow up. We experience physical and emotional changes. Our friends change. Our family changes. Even the world around us changes. Whenever people go through a situation similar to mine, they view it as a loss. I am SO guilty of this. But just like the seasons change, so does our life. It is how we cope with this change that can really make or break us.
For the longest time, all I could think about were all of the things my dad was missing. All of the things he wouldn't be there to share with me.
I replayed the thoughts of him not being at my high school OR college graduation over and over again. The thoughts of him not being able to walk me down the aisle at my wedding consumed my mind, no matter how far away that day may be.
Then I realized this: He wasn't actually "gone."
I knew I would never get to enjoy his physical presence again. I knew I couldn't have one last hug, or hear his voice one last time. But, I could enjoy a beautiful, sunny day just the same. I could go visit him and read my favorite book. No, he wasn't sitting right next to me, but sometimes I swore I could feel his presence just as great.
He did not actually leave me, or this life. Instead, he moved on to something greater.
I can't be angry at him for moving on. He moved on to something so much greater than any of us on this earth could even imagine. Right now, he is experiencing so much joy than I have ever experienced. This may be the case, but that's okay with me. At least it's okay with me now.
Because he was experiencing ultimate joy, he would not want me to be experiencing ultimate hurt.
I know that I spent so much time being crushed by my situation. But, I also know that this wasn't what you wanted for me.
Dear Daddy,
I want you know that I'm not angry anymore. Not with you, or myself. It took me awhile, but I found peace in my not-so-peaceful situation. Whenever I visit you, I don't feel like I need to cry every time. Not because I don't miss you, and not because it doesn't hurt anymore, but because I know you love my squinty-eyed smile a lot more than my ugly cry. I know that your love for me or my love for you will never diminish. I know that no matter how much time passes, you will still be right here. I miss you more each day, but now I can finally say I don't miss you so much that it hurts. I know this is my situation, but God gave me this hand of cards for a reason. He asked you to move on for reasons that I may never know, but reasons that I do know to trust.
Sending all of my love to heaven,
Your baby girl
