It wasn't always this way. Maybe subconsciously I've buried the bad memories, but from what I can remember the past five years weren't always this way. We used to date. We used to have no responsibilities and no cares about anything but our love — and that part was so beautiful.

There is nothing like your first love. The first person to make your heart race, the first person to feed into your every desire, your first idea of romance and lust and all things sunshine. You don't forget your first love, I mean how could you? You snuck out, you stayed up late and got up early, you just laughed at nothing because you couldn't help but feel on top of the world. You gave everything you had, because you knew...well, thought you knew...you were soulmates.

I slowly drained myself to nothing. I would go days without telling myself that I love me. I would stop trying to feel attractive outwardly because no one was making me feel attractive from the inside-out. My feelings, my opinions, my wants and my goals were invalid, or at least I felt they were. My life became like a game of Jenga; I got more and more piled on but destroyed my foundation. Every addition was a balancing act because I literally forgot who I was and what I was doing. I would lay awake at night holding in my emotions because there were too many to sort. I exploded over small things because I couldn't take another emotional blow. I became resentful of everything I never did. I lost opportunities and I just wanted to hold it together. After all, I am the epitome of having my shit together. People come to me for advice and care, people flock to ask how the hell I've managed to do all that I do. I couldn't just give up.

But the day came, and I made a choice. He will blame me and he's right. I made the choice to tolerate foul behavior for so long. I saw signs of issues and I ignored them for the sake of keeping my family together. I ignored the rejection, I made myself either extremely scarce or on days I felt bold I put myself out there for more rejection. It took a lot to get to the place, the place where your tank has been on empty and the only person who knew out loud was you, and you admit that is not okay. You have no more strength to push the car that is this relationship, alone. There is no longer room for lies and deceit and passive-aggression in your life. The place where you could no longer accept half-hearted attempts at communication and love. You are not unworthy of everything you want. You are not "too needy" when you want kisses, you are not "too emotional" when life gets the better of you. You do not deserve one word answers and one way conversations. You deserve to have people to lean on, and there are people out there who will hold the weight of your entire world without even thinking. There are people who will never say that you are "too much," they will say that you are just enough. So I'm proud of you. You finally did it. You grabbed the bull by the horns, bit the bullet, you took a deep breath and slowly exhaled the word "goodbye". It took so much time to get here.

I survived this. It felt like a blow to the gut, a stab to the heart and a shake to the brain but somehow my body didn't fail me like I thought it would. My eyes that were once waterfalls began to dry. My nights became easier because I was really alone, not doing things with someone but feeling abandoned. My mind that was once racing, is making my feet move forward in the best way. I have dropped emotional baggage, that I will lay claim to some but not all of. I am excited for the day instead of dreading it. It took so much for me to finally give up. I pushed and pulled and pleaded with someone to build a future with me. He wasn't ready for all that I wanted which he finally admitted. It wasn't all on him, I set my own standard of treatment, and at the tender age of 14 I had no idea what real life looked like. We are better together for the purpose of our child, not because of love that we fashioned on a ground that wasn't solid. We are making strides in the right direction. We aren't bad people, but we had to shift gears because we just weren't goofy for each other.

If you are not there yet, I hope one day you wake up and realize that there is more to life than where you are today. Stop making excuses, if anyone else did what they did it wouldn't be okay