Being in a mentally abusive relationship is a serious issue, that does not get talked about enough. The emotional trauma it can leave you years later is real, and it's not your fault.
In my personal experience, I was in a mentally abusive relationship for two years that has still affected me years later. I was 17 years old, naive, and in love with love. The first few months were normal, we went on dates, saw each other all the time, we were in the honeymoon phase. He broke up with me after three months, who knows the reason anymore. Because this became the norm. Breaking up randomly, getting back together and saying everything was going to be different. Believing him in hopes it would change. I saw nothing wrong with this, this should've been the first red flag.
We moved in together when I turned 18, this is when the mental games, abuse and manipulation had started. He had made comments on my weight, so I started eating less. I had gone on vacation over Christmas break to see my mom and when I came back I had gained a couple pounds from the delicious holiday food. We were laying in bed and he refused to touch me. I couldn't understand why. And after asking and asking, he finally told me "I don't know, you've just gained weight. I'm not really sexually attracted to you." It crushed me, I never looked at myself the same after that. He would buy me clothes three sizes too small to inspire me to workout and lose weight. He would hide the unhealthy food in the house so that I wouldn't have the temptation. I started going on morning runs. I had lost all my self-confidence.
At this time, I felt myself losing the battle. I was self-harming a lot, I had lost all respect for myself, I felt like a prisoner. But I constantly blamed myself because I believed him, that he was right. I knew I needed to leave, but I couldn't bring myself to because I thought I was head over heals in love. That maybe if I lost weight and looked better, things would change. One night, the last night I stayed in that house, we got into an argument. I ran into the bedroom and slammed the door. He came running after me, wrapped his hands around my neck, pushed me onto the bed, screaming at me. I couldn't breathe, I was in shock, and I couldn't stop crying. I left that night.
Months later, I found out he was cheating on me the whole time, he was never faithful. He played mind games, took away my self-confidence and self-respect. I couldn't trust anybody. I then watched him do the same routine of mental abuse to other girls who had fallen victim to him.
Two years later, I still struggle with my self-image. I never understood why. I thought I just wasn't self-confident. Maybe it was because I had gained 50 pounds since the relationship ended and I was just too big now. But I realized something very important recently. These were not my insecurities.
I held on so tight to the insecurities that he had left me with, engraved into my head. To this day, I had let him be in control of how I see myself, I had let him be in control of what I thought I was capable of doing.
I see so many girls and guys, go through these abusive relationships. Getting torn down to believe they are not worthy for anyone. After the relationship ends, they carry these dark shadows with them. Believing this is just how they are. But these are not your insecurities. You do not need to be what your abuser wanted you to be, or what anyone wants you to be. You choose what you love about yourself, you are always in control of how you see yourself. No one else ever has a say in that, because they are not you.
Take back control of your confidence and yourself. You are loved, you are beautiful inside and out. Most importantly, you are valid.
