Dear Ex,

That sounds so weird to say. The reason for this is because for so long I made a promise that I would never get myself caught up in a relationship to the point where I felt as if I needed to vent out all of my feelings in a letter. But, as it turns out, this is necessary because for so long I have kept everything built up and now is my time to release.

You were poison for three years of my life, almost as if you were a drug I was injecting into my body. I knew that you were no good for me but for some reason, I just kept using. I still remember the day when we, or should I say I, hit rock bottom. The day is so vivid to me it's as if it just happened yesterday. Do you remember in your efforts to show that you were not cheating on me, you sent the messages between you and the girl I accused you of being with? And in those messages happened to state the intense, gross and vivid images of you betraying me and ripping my heart right out of my numb body. I will never forget how broken and shattered I felt, so hurt that I got physically sick from it. I remember just choking on every breath I attempted to take after that moment.

Our relationship was never the same after that, it's as if that was the switch that activated years of hell. Many people would think I'd have the courage and confidence to stand up and walk away after all that, but I didn't. You convinced me that you loved me, you convinced me you were going to change but you never did. My self-esteem started to drown in this darkness, I had a hard time bringing it back to light. Nothing I ever did was good enough, you made me feel unaccomplished and downright ugly by sending me pictures of models with these perfect bodies. I could never have that flat of a stomach or that round of a butt but you made it seem like it's something I should have to offer to you or else I wasn't good enough to be your girlfriend. But the conflicting part in all of this is you would tell me some days how beautiful I was, yet this would only happen when you saw another guy commenting on one of my Instagram pictures. He was almost "swooping in" on YOUR territory.

Then, the name calling would begin. This is when you would start to call me the basics, you know, "whore" or "slut" and then followed by "you're not really going to wear that are you?" But I find the most challenging part in an attempt to understand your twisted mind to be when you would sometimes want me to dress a certain way to make the guys around us "jealous". Telling (or better yet commanding) me to pull my shirt down lower and have my boobs out while you and I were out in a public setting. I could never please you, it's as if I was some child trying to make their parents proud but no matter what they did, their parents would never be satisfied. You started to act as if you were my father, not my soulmate. It was control that you fed off of, it satisfied your hunger and crave for a certain power over me.

But here's the thing: you don't own me, never have and never will. I almost gave up my dream of going away to college for you. I was willing to settle in a place that for my entire life, I have been dying to escape, all for you. I don't entirely blame you for that because it was me wanting to stay with you, but why? What were you bringing to the table besides making me feel insecure and unworthy of you? I still struggle with why I loved you so much, but I'm tired of trying to figure out the impossible.

This is my final goodbye to you, although we stopped talking months ago, you are finally going to be out of my mind. I no longer will be crippled by your actions towards me, if anything you taught me valuable life lessons at the young age of 19. My biggest life lesson I learned from you is to never settle for anything less than the best. I no longer will have love for my abuser, and yes I am referring to you. Whether you actually read this or not, I'm glad I got my feelings onto paper.

Best Wishes,

Sav