This past year has been an uphill battle. A struggle between myself and the world around me. A time of great worry and anxiety, as I fought to define myself and not listen to the echos of others. Although, despite my consistent attempts, I would fail. I hindered to the cause because I let my beliefs merge with those of others. I became so disorientated with their perception of me that I molded it to fit the one that I held for myself. Therefore, every ounce of work and effort that I put it myself was overlooked in comparison to my labeled failures from others.
At this time, I knew myself well enough to understand that I was not the person that they were labeling me to be. I stood for something and what I stood for was in complete contradiction to their views. Yes, I was strong-willed because of the environment I was raised in. Yes, I was stubborn as I did not willingly submit to their options. Most importantly, I was determined. I prioritized differently than they did. To me, my future was my world. It was the reasoning for everything that I did and occasionally it sheltered me. But honestly, it was the greatest competitor for them. The obstacle they would have to endure. So instead of tolerating it, they broke it down. Along with it, they destroyed who I had been.
Soon enough, I slowly progressed into the person they labeled me. A person I wasn't proud to become. Because in my heart, I knew I was destined for so much more. But in an attempt to fit in and catch a breath, I became her. I was the girl I had fought so hard not to become. My mind was a place of discontent. I didn't recognize the girl who stood in front of me. I didn't belong here. This is not what God had intended for me. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't sleep. This was not me and I wasn't going to settle for this.
As the year took a turn, I fought for myself. I fought to rebuild the wall that stood for everything I wanted to be and was. Brick by brick, I rebuilt it into something I was proud of. I limited the materials of my new shelter to the one's that were more inclusive and goal-orientated. I let go of the negativity, or at least managed my own. I listened to the direction that God was directing me towards and made choices that would benefit myself. I did not need to be everyone's caregiver, as I previously was. I decided to start the year with a clean slate and allow God to fill my life with what he felt necessary.
Over time, I lightened the load on my heart and restored balance into my life. I conditioned myself to only be vulnerable with those who shared similar passion in their hearts as I. Individuals who would uplift each other, rather than belittle. I listened to the voice that God lead me by and to this day, I continue to do so. Because at the end of the day, He is greater than the highs and lows. He understands you better than you can ever understand yourself. He listens and does not judge. He empowers and if you let Him, He will direct your life to places you never thought possible. Hang with him, He will help you catch your breath.
