Dear somebody that I used to know,

Do you even miss me at all? How are my brother and sister that I never got a chance to meet? Did you throw out every memory and picture you had of me?

How does it feel when the calendar flips to December 29 and you aren’t able to wish me a happy birthday?

I know I shouldn’t be bitter, and really I’m trying not to be. These are just a few of the many questions that I’ve wanted to ask you since you left.

I wonder how it felt when you looked into my eight-year-old eyes and told me “your life would be better if I wasn’t in it.” How is it possible that those words could fall off the tip of your tongue so effortlessly? There was no crack in your voice or pain in your chest. You didn’t quiver with heartache or cry from sorrow.

At the time, I didn’t understand; and you knew that. You knew I had no idea what the context of your words meant. You didn’t want to tell me the truth.

Saying “I have a new baby on the way and paying child support and going to court for you just isn’t worth it anymore” would only paint you as the bad guy, even if it was the truth.

As the rain poured down heavily outside, I just happened to glance out the window. The porch had become a collection of all my Barbie’s, clothes, stuffed animals, and everything from my room. My childhood memories took on the harsh storm and all I could do was stare. A general gray washed over my once colorful toys as I walked out of the apartment for the last time.

Once you dropped me back off at home that day, it hit me like a ton of bricks that I would never see you again. My body collapsed to the ground and I could already feel the tears rolling off the side of my cheeks. My mommy soothed me as best as she could, but really, what do you say to a child after their parent walks out of their life?

From then on out, growing up was kind of a blur. I don’t remember shedding off my body weight, but I do remember going shopping and not being able to fit into double zero pants. Extra small shirts appeared baggy on my small frail body, and my mother even once remarked that she could feel my bones whenever she hugged me. However, you didn’t see that. You didn’t get to see the stress you put on me emotionally and physically.

You left me…and you didn’t come back.

Growing up without you wasn’t easy, but it also wasn’t impossible. I soon accepted that you wouldn’t be there for the important milestones I encountered or the difficult challenges I had to learn to overcome. I accepted the fact that sometimes in life, you don’t get to grow up with your biological father around.

Time went on and although I never forgot about you, I did forgive you. I grew up happy, with a family that loved me. A wonderful man soon became my stepfather and he took on the role of becoming my real father by adopting me.

I’m still extremely close to a lot of people who knew you, my mom, and I. They all know what you put me through and when those people ask me what I would say if I ever saw you again, the choice is simple.
Thank you.

Thank you for your poor decisions that made me into the strong woman I am today. Because of you, I realized that there’s going to be people who leave with no real explanation; and that’s okay. I’ll always be OK in the end. Thank you for teaching me that the ones who walk away are not the ones I should fight to keep.
Finally, thank you, for making me appreciate my mom, my dad, his family, and all of our family and friends so much more. I have learned to appreciate the ones in my life who have helped me grow up when you weren’t there to do it yourself. I found a father in everyone except for you, and I’m thankful for that.

God bless, please give my little brother and sister a hug. I promise I will meet them one day.

Sincerely, your first born