Dear Younger Self,
Let's be honest: If you're 15, I'm not sure if you'll actually ever really find this letter to be able to read it.
It's probably hidden amongst a pile of dirty clothes, the surplus of empty water bottles, and the stack of CD's your friends burnt for you consisting of the latest "hip" songs. But if by chance in the midst of your filth you should find this, there's some things you and your heart must know.
Let's start with your birth. While you may have not neccesarily been 'wanted', you were so beyond needed. God gave you a purpose and knew that the Earth could not go another day without you. You're not a mistake, an oops, or even an accident. You were planned, if not by anyone, by God. While having an absent father means that your heart is lacking his love, it certainly does not mean that your heart is lacking all love. You have a mother whose love for you is so great, it is the equivalent to that of two parents. You are lacking nothing, you have more than everything. Your mother may not have chose your birth, but she'd choose to have her life turn out no other way. You are the wish she never knew she wished for that came true. You are her sun, her moon, & all of her stars. Stop being so hard on her, love her more and cop an attitude less. For even on the days when she is tired and stressed, she tries. This is far more than what some have done. Remember that God placed your life directly in the hands of the woman who He knew would treat your heart best, this is your mother. She will defend you, protect you, and she will hope for the best for you. Your mom's intention is that every day she will be great, good, and grand. But still some days she will feel as though she has fallen short simply because all she will be in her book is okay. Remind her then that for a young single parent, working a job, going to school she is in fact doing pretty great, good, and grand. You should know that you did not ruin your mother's life, you were just the beginning of it.
You have a complete and whole family who loves you. Family is not defined by marriage certificates and adoption papers. Families are made in the heart. Family is simply the people in your life who in turn want you in theirs. Don't worry, you will be more than taken care of.
You should love yourself more, so much more. On the days you look in the mirror and hate yourself as you wonder which biological parent you really look like, whose nose you actually have, whose smile yours resembles, you should know that none of that matters. You are your own entity, your own being, created exactly how God desired you be. Practice more self love, and less self hate. For all the times when strangers stop you in stores and ask where you get your red hair from and you aren't sure how to respond, do not walk away hating the color of the strands upon your head. Do not allow them to be a sign of your heartbreak, but rather of your healing. Plus let's face, your hair is fabulous and besides, it's yours because God gave it to you not because man did.
The hardest word, forgiveness. First of all, forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for ever feeling inadequate, for thinking that something is wrong with you that caused your dad to not want to be there. Forgiving yourself hurts the most because in the process you finally awaken to you own beauty, both inner and outer. You allowed a man's selfish actions define your self worth for far too long. His leaving was not about you, it was about him. You must cease the chasing of a man's love that you may never catch. This is the best decision you will ever make, to stop wanting the love of someone who does not want you. Forgive yourself for believing there is something in you lacking because he wasn't there. Remember, you are whole. God didn't allow you to be born with half a heart.
After you're done forgiving yourself, forgive him. Just as you wish to stay forever young, he was not doing being a boy, so he could not yet become a man. Stop telling yourself that if you'd just hear the words, "I'm sorry" it'd be easier, it won't. Apologies cannot mend you when people continue to do what you want them to be sorry for. Do not allow your heart to develop scars for every time you wanted him and he was absent in the world. Instead, remember those that are there for you to cry for every single day at preschool. Remember those who are there to walk you into your first day of Kindergarten. Remember those who are there to cheer you on as you graduate 6th grade. Remember those who are there to catch your tears as you vent about your terrible day. Remember those who are there, with their arms around you, because they have chosen to be. Remember what you have, not what you have missed. Do not wonder why it was so easy for him to leave, instead wonder why you wanted him to stay so badly. You have so much more than you ever could have hoped for. Know that in the end, you will become stronger than ever. You will learn that even if people leave, you can do so much more than just get by and make it.
Next, you should forgive those who've sympathy comments, whether it be utter strangers, your friends, or even your family. You know the comments that make you get defensive and urge you right back to bitterness. A typical would be "He doesn't know what he missed out on." Actually, he does. He knows he missed firsts and lasts, graduations, biethdays, celebrations, and heartbreaks. Another may be that ever so overly stated, "He just didn't know how to be a parent." Neither did my mom, but she had no choice. She put on her best game face and stepped up for the challenge. Then of course there's the common, "You didn't need him anyway." You're right. Spot on actually. I didn't need him, but I wanted him. These are the comments you must let go of. Those who have said them simply are making efforts to show you how extraordinaryily lucky they are to be in the life of such an incredible, unique, and most of all loved girl like yourself. They treasure the comments in your life that they have been blessed to be a part of. They do not know what you have felt throughout your life. They have not lived with your pain, and neither will you. You will move on. Your mother worked too hard at life for you not to be great.
Do not allow your life's circumstances to hinder the way you love. Do not have trust issues simply because loyalty was not proven to you from the start. Instead, do the opposite. Love fiercely, love to the extreme, love as big as you can. For you of all peopl know what it feels like to be unloved and unwanted. Prove to the world that identity is not defined by genetic makeup, but rather by who you perceive your own self to be. Be a lover of those around you, including yourself.
Live your life in the present, not the past. Resentment hinders, forgiveness can liberate.
On a less serious note, pay more attention in math. Some day you may actually, against your somewhat better judgement, decide to be a Business Administration major who will need to tackle Accounting.
Love Always,
An Older Version Of You.
