You broke me, and I let you. Two years of us, and it took me that long to get out. I was 15 and just wanted someone to love me. I spent a long period of my life being told I’m not pretty or good enough and was waiting for the day somebody thought I was. I thought you would be the one to do that for me. You didn’t.
Whenever I think of you, it’s the bad times, it’s all of the abuse you put me through. You may have never physically hit me, but God did you mentally abuse me. You would threaten suicide or cutting while we were fighting. Do you know how that felt? To feel like someone wanted to end their life because of me?
Even after the relationship ended, I pondered what I did wrong and why I wasn’t good enough for you. My best friends had to sit with me and watch me cry over you more times than I’d like to admit. I did everything I could for you, constantly making excuses for you and your behavior to my family and friends because they were the ones who saw what you really did to me.
Junior prom night, I went out to dinner with my neighbor and her family. That’s it. My dress sat in my mom’s closet collecting dust because I didn’t need it. I was supposed to take pictures with my friends who were all going, but I was too upset to get up to go. You didn’t want to get dressed up so you didn’t ask me to prom, your own girlfriend. I couldn’t go with just my friends, because you were convinced I would cheat on you, even though I never had before. I couldn’t take a female friend as my date, because you were too possessive to even let that happen. So I just didn’t go.
Snapchat became a hit around my junior year of high school, too. I mentioned it to you and you told me I couldn’t download it because I would probably send naked pictures to guys. I just wanted a fun and new form of social media to play around on with my friends. But I listened. I obeyed.
Every morning of my senior year, I had to send you a picture of my outfit, because you didn’t trust me enough to think that I would actually wear something appropriate to school when you weren’t there. If I didn’t do it, you would text my friends to do it for me. I just let it happen.
It took me so long to emotionally prepare myself and be ready for a new, real relationship. Of course, there were a couple after you, but until the one I'm with now, I was too haunted by what we had and weighed down by the emotional baggage you left me with to make them work.
Once, I tried a guy who has the complete opposite personality of you, thinking that was what I needed, but I was never happy with him. Then there was the one who was more similar to you, and he screamed at me whenever I compared him to you, since he knew what you did to me. Even after you were out of my life, you still had a controlling effect on it, like you never even really left.
After finally giving up and giving in, I would just find guys who didn’t want a relationship, because I didn’t think I could do it anymore. And if someone did want a relationship, I would subconsciously self-sabotage in fear of him becoming you.
Today, in my new relationship, I cry when he’s the slightest bit annoyed with me and I cry when he doesn’t talk to me for a few hours (even if he’s in class or at work or with family), because ignoring me was always your punishment. I need constant reassurance that he still loves me and wants to be with me, even though he tells me multiple times every day. I had an anxiety attack in a Wal-Mart parking lot because we had a small fight, and I had sick flashbacks to what you would have done to me. He’s not you, but I'm still me, and you broke me. You changed me.
But, with my new boyfriend and my best friend’s help, I’m trying to move past it. It’s been almost four years since I finally got away from you. Four years, and I’m still disturbed by you. I find myself writing about you, just like I am now, whenever I see a slight chance to. I find myself having those flashbacks and memories, and letting it affect my life now. I can’t do that anymore, and I won’t. I’m going to move past you, and learn how to be a stronger person.
So thank you for breaking me. It led me to a great relationship where I'm respected and trusted. It made me grow closer to my best friend, whose friendship I wouldn’t change for the world. And it’s given me a challenge. I will overcome it. I will.
