If you are just joining me in my series on Abuse, Vulnerability and Its Effects on Others, this is Part 4. I am going to take this section to address the subject of triggers - a lifelong side effect of any traumatic event (iin this case we're talking about abuse).
Triggers can be described in an assortment of ways, you could view it as a flashback, or a harsh reminder or a time you'd rather forget, or PTSD. All of these are accurate descriptions of triggers.
As I said at the top, anyone who has experienced a traumatic event will endure triggers, and for abuse survivors this is a life long process. It will be someone that you come up against in your day-to-day life.
My triggers range in variety, intensity, and frequency. One time a friend said sometime to me, which just so happened to be the same sentence my father said a couple of times to me when I was little. And within the 10 seconds that it took him to say that sentence, I was all the sudden jerked back into a memory that I had long forgotten. I was a little girl again and my father was yelling at me. Immediately I closed up; resorting back to my old childhood habits.
My triggers also come in the form of 80s rock songs. My dad used to listen to rock music on many of our road trips. And as an adult now, I can be on the way to work, listening to the radio and BAM! It would take me back to some sort of forgotten or unknown abuse from my past, that I have to work through in the present as an adult.
Many times triggers have caused a miscommunications between my best friend and I. She had said something and I took it the wrong way because I heard it in my father's words. Or I perceived it through my experiences instead of separating my previous, twisted experiences, from my present situation. If I didn't have such a good friend who made me sit down and talk about it, we wouldn't be where we are today.
And this is the big point I'm trying to make. Triggers are one of the quiet torturous ways in which abuse works. And I have seen triggers kill many relationships. And the best way to defeat these triggers is to TALK about them.
So here is my "letter" to those of you who are friends, family, or a significant other to someone who is an abuse survivor. Make sure to talk through each of your pasts, make sure to talk about the triggers as they come up. You can't prepare for all of the triggers they will have and you have no way of knowing how anyone will respond (yourself included). There is a lot of prayer, grace, and patience needed in these situations when triggers arise.
For those of you who may unknowingly cause a trigger in your significant other, friend, or relative, KNOW THAT IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Take a breather, come back, and try your best to talk it out. Make sure to assess the situation and if need be, give that person some time to process on their own. But taking the steps to start a conversation about these triggers will help immensely.
Triggers will always be apart of their life and yours too (if you are in a relationship with them). SO be aware, listen to them, and most of all...
BE PATIENT.
If you're the one having the trigger, try to be patient with the other person and learn to remove them from the equation. Don't blame them for the trauma you have experienced. LET THEM HELP YOU. They obviously want to be apart of your life, so take the next step and trust them (even if its just a little bit).
I know how hard it is to trust someone after you have experienced abuse, but I have found that it can be so incredibly beautiful if given to the right people at the right time. I have processed through many of my triggers with the help of my best friend. But she couldn't have helped me if I didn't let her in - which includes talking.
Moral of the Story: Don't be afraid to let people in to help you conquer your triggers. Embrace your relationships; don't run from them because you're afraid of pushing someone you care about away due to your triggers. Odds are, if they really want to be apart of your life they will stay - and they'll accept you the way you are, triggers and all.
