An Open Letter About How I Really Feel
Start writing a post

An Open Letter About How I Really Feel

It's hard to explain, but I'm doing my best.

An Open Letter About How I Really Feel

It's been a really long time since I've revealed my heart through my own words instead of picture quotes and practiced speeches in front of the mirror, but I think (I hope) this letter will serve as a platform for others to speak on, too.

Others like me... Who never quite knew how to say how they really feel.

This isn't devoted to any single individual, but rather to everyone I withheld and hid my feelings from.

Just keep in mind: it's not about you, this is all about me. Just this once.

It's hard to explain, but I'm doing my best.

To the first of many loves: I never understood why you left me alone in silence for months when you knew I was excited for us. At the baseball game, you should've just said you couldn't come instead of loosely holding my hand as I pretended to get lost behind the crowds of people just so I could hold your hand. I was 17. This was three years ago... Couldn't you have held my heart a little more carefully?

So yes, you were my very first love. You were the person I believed would come back and the only person who showed every sign that he wouldn't- but I really wished you would. And now that we have talked once after two years into your relationship, I meant every word when I said I was okay.

What I really should've told you? I cried myself to sleep most nights from panic that it really meant nothing anymore. I avoided your sister, one of my closest friends, because her eyes were very similar to yours. And on the day you found your love, I knew it and spent thirty minutes sitting on the floor against a wall at my job in the airport crying because it wasn't with me. Regardless, I am so happy for you now.

To the second love: Boy, you were so unexpected, it really was what they said it'd be- the best kind of love. My close buddy who I talked to for advice about dating and exchanged pictures of cool cars with turned into the only "what if" I will always wonder about.

So here's how I really felt when you said it wouldn't work because of the distance and all of my guy friends you couldn't trust around me: I was heartbroken. I didn't understand. I was angry and delirious. I was pretty sure we would be worth it, but the fact that you weren't willing to try meant that you didn't see what I saw. I still think if you would've just turned around and tried, we'd be "us" even now, and you wouldn't be married to her.

To the third, and most recent, love: What a lesson you were to be learned. You were the only person I gave three chances to. Remember when you asked if I was "doing ok?" the day before you showed up to my work and told my coworkers how you used to date me when they boasted about how handsome you were? I had a panic attack in the back waiting for you to leave. They all said you lingered for a long time, like you wanted to see me. I wonder what you had to say. I wonder what you really wanted to talk about. I know you didn't just stop by for a bagel two hours before your shift began, so what was it?

Here's my piece: I still love you, right now in this very letter, but I will never forget the pain you've inflicted. I remember you apologizing for hurting me because your ex hurt you after you "gave her your everything." Darling... I gave YOU everything I had, too. I fought myself to not let the feelings creep back in, but they did so easily when you first told me you made a mistake letting me go. Yeah, it's kind of funny, isn't it? That's all it took- you saying something you probably didn't mean because you knew my heart was so big, I'd help you heal. And I did. I did my best, and you seemed to be healing whilst I saw us developing our future the third time around, but I wanted you to take your time. So, while you were swiping right on tinder, I was turning everyone down and making sure I stayed up and brought you something to eat after you got off of work at 1 AM because everything was closed at that time. In my head, I was everything you said you wanted... In your head, the "spark" was the only thing missing. I wonder when you'll realize that "spark" will go away once you become completely comfortable with someone. Are you going to go back on tinder?

To the "best friend turned into 'really good friend'": I was devastated when you went on a hiatus from me. I wasn't okay. I spent days curled in my bed trying to figure out what I'd done wrong and cried to my dad on the phone about how many memories I was suddenly forced to let go of. In all honesty, what you did was really really wrong and I didn't deserve it. I know I told you I didn't think about it often... That's kind of true. What's really true is that I tried very hard not to think about it because if I did, I'd start to tear up and my friends knew it was a taboo topic because my heart could never quite heal that bruise. We're "good friends" now (as you put it), and I still think the world of you... But I never quite told you how badly you affected my life. I think you were right to take some time to yourself, but I don't think you had to leave me broken in the process.

To anyone who has ever left and/or hurt me: I am so sorry you have to miss out on someone who would do anything for you if you treated me right.

In conclusion, I wish I could say a lot of things in the moments I might need to... But because of who you are or were to me, I could never put myself before your feelings. If you wanted to leave me, you had every right, and I just wanted you to know that I was going to be okay even if it took me some time. Things aren't always as simple as, "I don't give a fuck, so you can go," or, "I'll hold the door open for you!" Not to me, anyways. I'll always want you to stay and try harder because I've fought for everything and I'd continue to fight for you if you were fighting as well.

However, at some point, I have to do what's best for myself... And if that means letting go, well, sometimes it's just that simple.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

Unlocking Lake People's Secrets: 15 Must-Knows!

There's no other place you'd rather be in the summer.

Group of joyful friends sitting in a boat
Haley Harvey

The people that spend their summers at the lake are a unique group of people.

Whether you grew up going to the lake, have only recently started going, or have only been once or twice, you know it takes a certain kind of person to be a lake person. To the long-time lake people, the lake holds a special place in your heart, no matter how dirty the water may look.

Keep Reading...Show less
Student Life

Top 10 Reasons My School Rocks!

Why I Chose a Small School Over a Big University.

man in black long sleeve shirt and black pants walking on white concrete pathway

I was asked so many times why I wanted to go to a small school when a big university is so much better. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure a big university is great but I absolutely love going to a small school. I know that I miss out on big sporting events and having people actually know where it is. I can't even count how many times I've been asked where it is and I know they won't know so I just say "somewhere in the middle of Wisconsin." But, I get to know most people at my school and I know my professors very well. Not to mention, being able to walk to the other side of campus in 5 minutes at a casual walking pace. I am so happy I made the decision to go to school where I did. I love my school and these are just a few reasons why.

Keep Reading...Show less
Lots of people sat on the cinema wearing 3D glasses

Ever wonder what your friend meant when they started babbling about you taking their stapler? Or how whenever you ask your friend for a favor they respond with "As You Wish?" Are you looking for new and creative ways to insult your friends?

Well, look no further. Here is a list of 70 of the most quotable movies of all time. Here you will find answers to your questions along with a multitude of other things such as; new insults for your friends, interesting characters, fantastic story lines, and of course quotes to log into your mind for future use.

Keep Reading...Show less
New Year Resolutions

It's 2024! You drank champagne, you wore funny glasses, and you watched the ball drop as you sang the night away with your best friends and family. What comes next you may ask? Sadly you will have to return to the real world full of work and school and paying bills. "Ah! But I have my New Year's Resolutions!"- you may say. But most of them are 100% complete cliches that you won't hold on to. Here is a list of those things you hear all around the world.

Keep Reading...Show less

The Ultimate Birthday: Unveiling the Perfect Day to Celebrate!

Let's be real, the day your birthday falls on could really make or break it.

​different color birthday candles on a cake
Blacksburg Children's Museum

You heard it here first: birthdays in college are some of the best days of your four years. For one day annually, you get to forget about your identity as a stressed, broke, and overworked student, and take the time to celebrate. You can throw your responsibilities for a day, use your one skip in that class you hate, receive kind cards and gifts from loved ones and just enjoy yourself.

Keep Reading...Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments