An Open Letter About How I Really Feel
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Dating

An Open Letter About How I Really Feel

It's hard to explain, but I'm doing my best.

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An Open Letter About How I Really Feel

It's been a really long time since I've revealed my heart through my own words instead of picture quotes and practiced speeches in front of the mirror, but I think (I hope) this letter will serve as a platform for others to speak on, too.

Others like me... Who never quite knew how to say how they really feel.

This isn't devoted to any single individual, but rather to everyone I withheld and hid my feelings from.

Just keep in mind: it's not about you, this is all about me. Just this once.

It's hard to explain, but I'm doing my best.

To the first of many loves: I never understood why you left me alone in silence for months when you knew I was excited for us. At the baseball game, you should've just said you couldn't come instead of loosely holding my hand as I pretended to get lost behind the crowds of people just so I could hold your hand. I was 17. This was three years ago... Couldn't you have held my heart a little more carefully?

So yes, you were my very first love. You were the person I believed would come back and the only person who showed every sign that he wouldn't- but I really wished you would. And now that we have talked once after two years into your relationship, I meant every word when I said I was okay.

What I really should've told you? I cried myself to sleep most nights from panic that it really meant nothing anymore. I avoided your sister, one of my closest friends, because her eyes were very similar to yours. And on the day you found your love, I knew it and spent thirty minutes sitting on the floor against a wall at my job in the airport crying because it wasn't with me. Regardless, I am so happy for you now.


To the second love: Boy, you were so unexpected, it really was what they said it'd be- the best kind of love. My close buddy who I talked to for advice about dating and exchanged pictures of cool cars with turned into the only "what if" I will always wonder about.

So here's how I really felt when you said it wouldn't work because of the distance and all of my guy friends you couldn't trust around me: I was heartbroken. I didn't understand. I was angry and delirious. I was pretty sure we would be worth it, but the fact that you weren't willing to try meant that you didn't see what I saw. I still think if you would've just turned around and tried, we'd be "us" even now, and you wouldn't be married to her.


To the third, and most recent, love: What a lesson you were to be learned. You were the only person I gave three chances to. Remember when you asked if I was "doing ok?" the day before you showed up to my work and told my coworkers how you used to date me when they boasted about how handsome you were? I had a panic attack in the back waiting for you to leave. They all said you lingered for a long time, like you wanted to see me. I wonder what you had to say. I wonder what you really wanted to talk about. I know you didn't just stop by for a bagel two hours before your shift began, so what was it?

Here's my piece: I still love you, right now in this very letter, but I will never forget the pain you've inflicted. I remember you apologizing for hurting me because your ex hurt you after you "gave her your everything." Darling... I gave YOU everything I had, too. I fought myself to not let the feelings creep back in, but they did so easily when you first told me you made a mistake letting me go. Yeah, it's kind of funny, isn't it? That's all it took- you saying something you probably didn't mean because you knew my heart was so big, I'd help you heal. And I did. I did my best, and you seemed to be healing whilst I saw us developing our future the third time around, but I wanted you to take your time. So, while you were swiping right on tinder, I was turning everyone down and making sure I stayed up and brought you something to eat after you got off of work at 1 AM because everything was closed at that time. In my head, I was everything you said you wanted... In your head, the "spark" was the only thing missing. I wonder when you'll realize that "spark" will go away once you become completely comfortable with someone. Are you going to go back on tinder?


To the "best friend turned into 'really good friend'": I was devastated when you went on a hiatus from me. I wasn't okay. I spent days curled in my bed trying to figure out what I'd done wrong and cried to my dad on the phone about how many memories I was suddenly forced to let go of. In all honesty, what you did was really really wrong and I didn't deserve it. I know I told you I didn't think about it often... That's kind of true. What's really true is that I tried very hard not to think about it because if I did, I'd start to tear up and my friends knew it was a taboo topic because my heart could never quite heal that bruise. We're "good friends" now (as you put it), and I still think the world of you... But I never quite told you how badly you affected my life. I think you were right to take some time to yourself, but I don't think you had to leave me broken in the process.


To anyone who has ever left and/or hurt me: I am so sorry you have to miss out on someone who would do anything for you if you treated me right.

In conclusion, I wish I could say a lot of things in the moments I might need to... But because of who you are or were to me, I could never put myself before your feelings. If you wanted to leave me, you had every right, and I just wanted you to know that I was going to be okay even if it took me some time. Things aren't always as simple as, "I don't give a fuck, so you can go," or, "I'll hold the door open for you!" Not to me, anyways. I'll always want you to stay and try harder because I've fought for everything and I'd continue to fight for you if you were fighting as well.

However, at some point, I have to do what's best for myself... And if that means letting go, well, sometimes it's just that simple.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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