When you hear the word "chronic" describing your illness, physical or mental, it is really hard to digest. It pretty much means "get ready to be in it for the long haul" and that your struggle is nowhere close to being over. Phew, that's daunting. With the diagnosis of a chronic illness comes an overwhelming amount of emotion. You deserve to feel because your feelings are extremely valid and rightfully huge. So here is a letter to you; read it, and let go. Take the plunge of acceptance,
Hello lovely,
How are you doing? And please don't try to soften the blow and tell me you're fine. I want you to tell me how you're actually doing. And finally, try to allow yourself to feel it.
Sometimes it seems like it would easier to hold it all in for the benefit of others. Because then you don't have to make them uncomfortable with your issues; you don't have to make the effort to explain something you're not even sure you understand. But I know that the longer you hold in all of these inevitable emotions that come from fighting physical and emotional battles every single day, the more they build up inside your heart threatening to poison you from the inside out.
It might seem easier to shut down and attempt to go on living the life you once knew. It might seem easier for everyone involved if you can achieve some sense of normalcy. But, my dears, this will not work. Life won't be the same and it can be frightening when you remember that. In those moments you might feel weak, scared, and vulnerable. But while you are lamenting your loss of a normal life, you are also growing stronger in preparing for an altered life ahead. Allowing yourself to feel those emotions every now and then and to connect with the loss grants you the ability to eventually move forward. So;
Get angry.
Scream, throw your hands to the sky with open palms awaiting the day that whoever may be up there will give you a frikken break already.
Be frustrated.
Have a fit, stomp around your room, take on the the guttural growl of a pacing lion and express the exasperation.
Endure the sadness.
Let the cover-up of anger and irritation give way to the real emotions underneath. Grief, despair, and fatigue of fighting. Go somewhere quiet and 'ugly-cry' it out, show yourself the empathy that you wish everyone was capable of.
Take a breath and welcome the hope.
You’ll be okay. Know that you are not alone and that there are people who understand your struggle. There will be days where you feel like you can’t do it anymore. There will be days you wish you could shout from the rooftop to make people understand. But there will also be days where you will feel stronger than ever, and truly happy. And each day adds small morsels of strength that build an armor of perseverance around you.
