A Letter To The Mom I Don't Deserve

A Letter To The Mom I Don't Deserve

To the one who gave up her dreams to let me live mine.
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Mom,

I wish I could thank you for everything you have done for me. I know that nothing I can ever say or write will express to you how much I appreciate all that you do or how much I truly love you. When you read this you'll cry, but just know it still isn't enough; because nothing will ever be enough. There is nothing I could ever give to you to show you what you mean to me. But, nonetheless, I want to thank you. Thank you for all the things you did and do that I know you didn't have to.

You stood by me even when I was wrong.

People always say that your mom shouldn't be your best friend, she should be your parent. However, I'm so thankful that you were a two in one package deal. I find peace in knowing that I will always have you by my side. Even if you don't approve of my mistakes, you'll always be right there to take care of me and tell me it will all be OK.

You made me feel loved when I didn't deserve it.

I'm sorry for making you cry. I know it wasn't easy to do it all on your own. All I thought about was how you were making me late to school. Instead, I should have thought about how I made you late to work everyday. All I thought about was how sad I was when I thought our lives were falling apart. But, I should have thought about how you needed my support through the rough times instead of my criticism. All I thought about was myself, when I should have thought about you. Because all you've ever done is thought about me. You showed me the true meaning of love above all else, when I most definitely did not deserve it.

You did everything you could to give me the life that you never had.

I will never know what it's like to live above a bar, like you did as a teenager. I hope I never know what it's like to be a single mom of two. But, if those are the circumstances, I know I'll be OK, because you showed me your way. The other day at my sorority's alumni luncheon, a girl's mom attended with her because she was initiated into the same sorority when she was in college. For some reason, my heart felt so sad and I didn't know why. And then the realization hit me: my heart broke for you. Instead of having your college days or your young, wild years, you were stuck raising me. Your 21st birthday consisted of taking care of a toddler, instead of the traditional college party night. You're so smart, Mom. I'm sorry that you have to live a paycheck to paycheck lifestyle. You gave up your life for me, and you didn't have to. I know you say you wouldn't want it any other way; but, I just want you to know that I'm thankful. Because of you, I get to live in the best way possible. You gave me opportunities and a life that was never given to you. And I love you so much for that.

I'm sorry.

Lastly, I just want to say that I'm sorry. I'm sorry if I'm not the best me that you raised me to be. You deserve the best daughter possible. You shouldn't have to put up with someone that takes their anger out on you when you've done nothing wrong. I wish I could take back all the mean words I said and my hateful actions. Just know my annoyance was not your fault. If I was in a bad mood I should have never taken it out on you. Because the best parts of me, are you. You're in everything I do. I know you did all you could to give me the life you never had. I know you did all you could by yourself. I know you did all you could, because you love me more than anything in the world.

One day I hope I can be not only half the mom you are, but half the person as well; because you're my favorite person I've ever met. I was beyond lucky to be raised by you. Don't ever think, even for a second, that I'd choose another life or a better mom. Simply, neither of those things exist. If there's one last thing you ever do for me, I hope it is this: just remember, I always have and always will love you. As long as I'm living, your baby I'll be.

Xoxo,

Your Baby Girl

Cover Image Credit: Mackenzie Rogers

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To The Dad Who Didn't Want Me, It's Mutual Now

Thank you for leaving me because I am happy.
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Thank you, for leaving me.

Thank you, for leaving me when I was little.

Thank you, for not putting me through the pain of watching you leave.

Thank you, for leaving me with the best mother a daughter could ask for.

I no longer resent you. I no longer feel anger towards you. I wondered for so long who I was. I thought that because I didn't know half of my blood that I was somehow missing something. I thought that who you were defined me. I was wrong. I am my own person. I am strong and capable and you have nothing to do with that. So thank you for leaving me.

In my most vulnerable of times, I struggled with the fact that you didn't want me. You could have watched me grow into the person that I have become, but you didn't. You had a choice to be in my life. I thought that the fact that my own father didn't want me spoke to my own worth. I was wrong. I am so worthy. I am deserving, and you have nothing to do with that. So thank you for leaving me.

You have missed so much. From my first dance to my first day of college, and you'll continue to miss everything. You won't see me graduate, you won't walk me down the aisle, and you won't get to see me follow my dreams. You'll never get that back, but I don't care anymore. What I have been through, and the struggles that I have faced have brought me to where I am today, and I can't complain. I go to a beautiful school, I have the best of friends, I have an amazing family, and that's all I really need.

Whoever you are, I hope you read this. I hope you understand that you have missed out on one of the best opportunities in your life. I could've been your daughter. I could have been your little girl. Now I am neither, nor will I ever be.

So thank you for leaving me because I am happy. I understand my self-worth, and I understand that you don't define me. You have made me stronger. You have helped make me who I am without even knowing it.

So, thank you for leaving me.

Cover Image Credit: Pexels

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A Prayer For The Christians, After Brett Kavanaugh's Confirmation

I lift up our Nation during a time when we need God the most.

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Dear God, we are a divided nation as ever. In recent events, the devil has been ever so present, dividing your children apart.

We, your children, your followers, your disciples, trust in you, however, today is a time where we are lost within ourselves. It has been shown that some of our brothers and sisters in Christ support a man that falls so far beneath you that it is unnerving.

A man who has lied. A man accused of mistreating a woman. A man who has turned most of your children against a woman who only tried to serve the greater good.

We know that you are a just God. However, in times like these, our faith falters.

We can't understand how a man like Brett Kavanaugh is to now hold the title of the Supreme Court Justice.

A man who was accused of sexually assaulting a young woman in his earlier years. A man who showed his true colors during the interview process when questioned about the accusations that were made against him. Lord, this is a man who, after he had won, did not even apologize to Dr. Ford for all she had endured.

Oh, Dear Lord, you see as to why it weighs so heavily on our hearts? A man who falls so far away from you now holds the most powerful title in the judicial branch in our government.

Lord, are we to be like the Israelites who had to wander through the desert because they allowed corrupt power to overtake them? Are we to be like your fallen followers who allowed Satan to slither his way into their lives? Will we be living our own book of Lamentations soon enough?

How much more will we have to endure for our brothers and sisters to see that the devil is alive and well within our government?

Oh, God, I pray that you wrap your comforting arms around the survivors of sexual harassment and assault. I pray that you remind them that your love is unending and the outcome of this Supreme Court decision will not waver that.

I pray you give them strength and bravery to face those who believe that the word of a woman is less than meaningless.

I pray that you surround the women who mourned this loss as I did with people who believe them and love them as you love us.

Lord, I pray that your presence in Capitol Hill becomes ever so evident because, without you, we are nothing.

I lift up Brett Kavanaugh. I pray that you open up his heart and allow him to see a Christ-like life to live and serve — a life you allowed your own son to live.

I pray for his forgiveness because like we all are, he is a sinner. I pray, Lord, that you make yourself known to him.

Lastly, God, I pray for my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. This is a trying time for any believer. I pray they find truth in you and you alone.

As it says in the book of Psalms, "Send out your light and your truth; let them lead me; let them bring me to your holy hill and to your dwelling!"

In Your Name, I Pray, Amen.

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