As I walked out to the same spot ve been dozens of times I realized that things were still fresh. The tears pooled up in the cold fall air and I realized for the first time in months that I still needed my mother. I had avoided that realiziation since the day it happened. I decided that I would feel better if I convinced myself that I was okay without her, but after life hit I realized that one of the people I needed the most was not there. After six long years you'd imagine that I would have moved on and be perfectly okay, and that is nowhere near the truth.
I have days where I will be driving and a song will come on the radio and I will immediately turn it up because that is exactly what we used to do. I'll think of an inside joke and immediately pick up my phone to call. These things pop up randomly and unexpectedly. When they do its like someone has ripped off the scab of a healing wound to expose it to the world again. Its painful, but its part of a new life that comes with losing a loved one.
People try to put a time limit on greiving. They try to hide their feelings and push them back because its been a month or years since the death occured, but in all honesty you can't do that. What you can do is assure yourself that you will have good days and bad days and prepare yourself for them. Surround yourself with people who are willing to cry with you.
In the beggining stages the bad days out weigh the good. It doesnt seem fair, but its how it is. Do not be ashamed of this. You can talk about about them whenever and wherever you'd like. In return you can also keep quiet about it all if you feel. It's just whatever you feel comfortable with.
The truth is that you never stop grieving the death of a loved one. You just learn to accept the fact that they are gone. Do not feel ashamed years from now when you stroll upon their grave and suddenly can't control yourself. Do not be afraid to feel weak. Do not be scared to cry in front of people when you suddenly can't handle it anymore. There is no time limit on your greiving.
