Hi Kyle,
I miss you. Even though two years have passed, I still find myself thinking about you. Sometimes it’s unintentional, like when I’m bored and my thoughts aren’t focused on something specific. My mind drifts to the past, and I think about every little detail surrounding you. I think about the times we all spent together at Cupsogue beach digging holes in the sand, soaking up the sun, and swimming all day long. I find myself flipping through the pictures just to get a chance to see yours and everyone else’s smiles. It’s like I am trying to put myself back in that one specific day and relive everything. The feelings of joy and the sounds of laughter escape me because it’s impossible; there is no way for me to relive those moments. They are in the past. The pictures that once brought confusion to my mind now bring me happiness and comfort because I have come to the realization that despite your depression, you were still able to enjoy life on those beach days.
The first summer without you I tried to avoid that beach. I was petrified of facing the reality that you were gone. Eventually, I stopped making excuses for why I couldn’t go, and I forced myself to confront the fact that you really were gone. That day I wrote your name in the sand and watched as the waves washed over it. The letters slowly started to fade away, and for the first time in about two months, my heart finally felt a wave of peace wash over it. Each wave washed over and filled your name until it disappeared. Those were calming and powerful waves of peace that also washed over me. It was that day that I realized you would always be with me.
Even with my acceptance of you being gone, I still cry. I cry for the loss of a friend, the loss of my younger brothers’ role model, the loss of my older brother’s coworker, and most importantly I cry for the pain it has caused everyone who loves you. Over time, the tears have become less and less, but they will never completely fade away. Every day I pray that you are happy and that your soul is at rest. Rest in peace Sunshine.
Love always,
Maureen
