Dear Nana,
I'll never forget waking up at 5:45am on a Monday morning to mom opening my door and looking at me with a somber look on her face. I knew what it meant before she told me or even opened her mouth.
You were gone.
I don't think it hit me immediately. Actually, it definitely didn't hit me; it felt like you were just sleeping and would wake up feeling bright-eyed and bushy tailed and I kept waiting for you be watching one of our medical mystery shows on TV as we just chatted and hung out before I went to bed for school in the morning. It didn't hit me until the end of your wake when I finally realized what was happening.
It's still been hitting me every day since, whether it feels like a slight heartache or like there's a ton of bricks sitting on my chest. I miss you every day, every single solitary day.
What makes it a little easier is knowing you are always there.
I see you in the fluffy feathers I find on the ground. I see you in the coins that appear around me whenever I need a reminder that I have the greatest guardian angel in heaven. I see you in the butterflies and dragonflies that fly around me on campus and home and so many other places. I see you in the red cardinals that come to the house to get a snack.
In all these ways and so many more, you're always with me and mom has said the same, too. It's only fitting that you would stay with your girls, the ones that lived with you for their entire lives to guide them and just remind them that they're not alone. I know mom has taken it incredibly hard, and still does to this day as have I, but seeing all these signs sent from you all over, especially when I really need them, makes me feel a little better. It helps to know you're watching over me to protect me.
Half the time, I pray to you more than God because while God loves all of us on Earth, you have a special place in your heart where I reside. You've helped me keep faith in things I've wanted, and I know you've worked your magic on days where I was so overwhelmed to help me just breathe for a moment before continuing. Though sometimes it feels like you've left, the end always reminds me that while I can't see you, you're always there. Sitting here writing this has me feeling like you're sitting next to me, peering over my shoulder and just keeping me company. I know you're there when I'm studying for exams, when I'm having a particularly bad day, and when my days are some of the best. You're always there for all of them.
Even so, that doesn't mean I wouldn't give the world to hug you just one more time or hear your voice just one more time. I remember how it sounded when saying my name and laughing, and sometimes that memory is better than any songs on the radio or my iPod could hope to be.
I hope you're feeling better. I hope all your ailments are gone, that you're healthy again and with your mom and dad and all the other family members you've told me so many stories about but never got the chance to meet. I hope you're proud of everything I do, and that you turn to all the other angels and tell them with unwavering pride in your voice "that's my granddaughter".
I hope you miss me as much as I miss you, but at the same time I don't. It's a painful type of "I miss you" that only comes from the purest kind of love.
I miss you more and more everyday, and it's never saying a "goodbye". It's saying "until I see you again".
Keep looking out for me! I love you!
Love,
Me
