You always told me that I’m so much like you. How you were always the outcast in your family; the black sheep. How you were different from everyone else in your family. Just like me. You were the child that always got in trouble. You were the one they always called home about. You used to try and use your ways to make me feel better.

But dad, I don’t want to be just like you. I don’t want to be a parent that is never in my child’s life. I don’t want my child thinking that the only answer is to run away and hide all your anger. I want my child to know that I’m here; I’m present. All those times I was in serious trouble, you never disciplined me. You never said, you shouldn’t do that, Liv. I was never given a punishment. Mom had to figure it all out on her own. Even when I hit my lowest point, where were you dad ?

Where were you at my high school graduation ? You weren't there. You aren't going to be the man that walks me down the aisle. You never showed up when I needed to go to the hospital. You never showed up to any of my sports practices or my dance recitals / nights. I had to grow up without you. Even though you were there for the first six years, you weren't really... there. My mom has rasied me for the past almost 19 years.

We've done it without you dad.

You also never called me Olivia. Even to this day. You chose my name… are you scared of it ? Are you scared of having a daughter ?

I used to have so much anger.

It would just build up inside of me, and because you never showed your emotions, I thought I didn’t have a need to either. I just let it all sit inside me like a giant bubble, until one day, that bubble just bursted. I know you’re not going to be at my college graduation; for both of my degrees. You’re not going to be the man that walks me down the isle. You were the first person to break my heart. When things got too difficult, you did what you and your entire family do best. You ran away.

I can’t live my life in constant anger because of you. I’ve learned to accept that you just can’t be a part of my life. You can’t be a father.

Not only have I learned to accept this, but I’ve also learned to thank you.

Thank you for being the first person to break my heart. Thank you for showing me how to love a person correctly. Thank you for showing me what it’s like to be constantly angry. Thank you for showing me to not follow in your footsteps.

Thank you for never being there.

Thank you for all of this, because you showed me who I don’t want to be like.