Dearest Daughter,

I write this letter to you at the tender and virile age of 21. Here's a picture for reference.

Look how full of life I am. You can almost see the lack of fatherhood in my smile.

Anyways, I can't even begin to tell you how much I love you because I don't know you. I mean, how would I know if I love someone I don't even know? But we can clear that up fairly easily.

Do you like Star Wars?

If so, then I can at least say that I think you're fairly tolerable. If not, well then I assume your adopted parents are the ones who gave you this letter.

But I digress.

My plan is to give this to you on your eighteenth birthday, which will most likely mean that you're currently a senior in high school. Thus, I think congratulations are in order. Great job on getting that athletic, academic, or poor people scholarship!!

So sorry if you didn't actually get a scholarship to college. But if you need any help filling out your McDonald's job application, talk to your mother.

I gotta wrap this up, but I do have a few questions for you before I go. You'll be receiving this letter in a reality far different than the one I currently occupy, so I'm interested to know what it's like.

Did Trump win the 2016 election?

How's my mansion?

Am I still handsome? If "no," why are you lying to your father?

Lastly, I need you to fill in the blank so that I will know if I raised you well or not. If you can finish this sentence, despite whatever mistakes I've made as a father, I can always have some shred of dignity as a parent.

"Dicks out for _______"

Okay, so if you can Interstellar those answers to me that'd be great. Do you know that movie? If not just watch it on your iPhone or whatever device Apple has out that was built with the blood, sweat, and tears of Chinese children.

Anyhow, it's Friday night so I gotta go do some things that I'll disown you for if you ever do. Ta ta for now!

Love (maybe),

Your dad