I think it really f$%ing sucks that you are not here. You were supposed to be here until you and I were old and gray. We were going to be the two old ladies yelling in their rocking chairs at the neighborhood kids. We were going to be there for each other’s weddings, for when our kids pushed each other down in the sand box. We were going to be there together for everything. Then you had to leave.

I know that you did not want to leave, but it makes me mad that you did. It makes me mad that you had to go away. My heart hurts every day. My head does not make sense of it. Even after all of these years. What events lead to you leaving this earth? It is not fair. It is not fair you left everyone that loves you.

They say that things get better with time, I say that they are wrong. They obviously have never had a piece of their heart leave. They have never woken up forgetting that you are gone. They, will never understand what it is like to cry and cry until you feel like there is no more tears to come out. They will never understand what it is like to have the rug that is your life plans swept out from under you. Things will not get better with time; just easier to manage.

Every day will be a struggle between wanting to cry because you are gone and smiling because all the memories that you gave the world. Some days will be victorious. Some days, we can get up and tackle the day with a smile. Yet, some days we will miss you more than ever. These are the days we lose. The days that we lose are the toughest. The weight in our hearts feels twice as heavy those days. It feels as if we just lost you all over again on those days.

There are so many days that I want to call you or text you. I want to tell you everything that is going on in my life. Even the silly little things that do not seem to be that important. I want to tell you them, anyhow. I want to be able to weird with you again and laugh until our sides hurt. I want us to be able to be the shoulders that we cry on together. I want you by my side again.

I know that even though you are not physically present anymore, you are still here. I know that every sad day I have, there will be days that I can bask in the sun and remember all the good times. I can remember every time we laughed until we cry. These are my favorite days; the good days. I know that the sad days are the price I pay for the love I have for you. It means that you really touched each person’s life that you came into contact with. It does not make it easier, but it is a sign of how wonderful you were. I miss you every day, but I know you will always be in my heart; my mind.