It is funny looking back at life, I don’t think I ever remember meeting you. I was far too young. Our paths crossed mutually a variety of times over the years. I was almost too busy to really notice. Like so many people, I realized I became numb to the many friendly faces in my life. The ones you always assumed would be there. Then, in several years when you bump into each other at the grocery store, it is a pleasant surprise. While I may not remember many words you said, as you listened more than you talked, I can distinctively remember a few moments over the time span we knew each other. I didn’t realize how much those moments impacted me until I heard the news. I’m sure didn’t realize the impact either.
As many reacted, I was heartbroken. Tears. Sadness. I told my friends who tried to console me that I was just confused. I couldn’t understand suicide. But that is a lie. So many opinions swirl around the word “suicide.” Some people make this into a taboo word. Or just a concept you’re taught about in your psychology classes. I can’t say I understood what you went through, since we all have our own unique story of how or why we feel a certain way. I don’t know what your story was leading up to it. But I was there at the end of the sentence. At the period. At your funeral, people didn’t even ask me “how are you?” Since it was written on my face. It would have just been a trigger to more tears.
I wasn’t confused since I was almost in your shoes. I thought that the solution to life’s misery was ending it. I don’t put that lightly. Depression is a serious illness, which people take too lightly. Some days just are too much. You wanted to free yourself. While I can try to fill in the blanks from your story I will never know, it is just mere speculation. But I mourn for you and I am crippled by the fear of “what if.” When I gave your parents a hug, I pictured some of my friends giving my parents a hug.
I was angry. Angry that society has built so much pressure, that some days people snap. That the stress of work or school. The pressure from our peers and our superiors. Whether it be shame for wrong doings, or feeling insignificant, or feeling not enough. The fear that we do not matter enough. I was angry that the piles of the world had fallen onto your shoulders.
I wish I could have told you- that you are more than enough. That you matter. You matter in the lives of so many people.
But, I know all too well, even if those wishes had to pass, they may not have worked. Since depression can put on blinders. Even with an army of people loving you, it is just hard to understand.
Your death made me understand some realities about life and myself.
Suicide is not weakness. Sometimes it is the strongest people who are just being pummeled by life, anxiety, and the tricks the mind plays.
Suicide doesn’t mean someone failed you. It can take even people with strong support systems, and lots of love.
Never pass an opportunity to love. Whether, family, friend or stranger. You do not know what shoes a person is walking in.
While tackling society’s depiction of depression and mental illness seems to be impossible, that does not mean do not try. Smile more often. Love more loudly. Reach out to that person who is upset. One of the greatest accomplishments we can achieve in life is showing God’s love. When you show love, you will never know the impact it has. It may not save everyone. I know it saved me. To honor the short, yet beautiful life my friend lived, it gives me more reason to love.
Most of all, love yourself. That concept can be a tough journey. Fill your life with people who will show you that you are loved and loveable. If you have those people, do not shut them out. Do not isolate yourself.
If you know someone who may be struggling with depression of thoughts of suicide, please reach out to them. If you are struggling with depression or thoughts of suicide, please know you are not alone.
Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
