To my ex-best friend,
If I killed someone, you were the one I would call to help me drag the corpse across the floor. You were my person. I was the one who introduced you to the term. We were sitting in your car while you drove with no destination in mind. Just the windows down and that old Aly and Aj CD you burned blasting at full volume. When you began your therapy sessions, you put my cell phone number down as your emergency contact.
I was there with you through all the ups and downs, through every time he dumped you and called you a hurtful name. I held you in my arms that night he told you he didn't love you anymore and didn't let go until both of us stopped crying. I gave you countless advice and girl talks. I let you borrow my clothes and my jewelry. We moved in together and spent nights laughing about nothing and eating everything we could as if there was no tomorrow. We binged watched "Jane the Virgin" while you straightened my hair and got me ready for my first date with my boyfriend. You were the first person I wanted to tell about anything; good, bad, funny, gossip. I thought we were friends forever, the twisted sisters, the ones who found each other to lean on when no one else would.
I didn't realize it, but you were the one who I wanted to please more than anything. You were the one who I bent over backwards for, but you didn't care. You were the one who took more than you could give, who pushed me around because I was the only one who would let you, and I let that happen because I thought you were all I had. You were the one that twisted my definition of friendship to suit your needs. I was the one who set myself on fire to keep you warm, and I didn't realize it until I was the one who was burned.
I was with you when you took him back every time he hurt you, even though I was the one you took it out on when he wouldn't love you the way you needed. I was the one you needed only when he didn't need you. I was there for all the fights we had because of him. I was the one you disposed of because I wouldn't enable you anymore. I was the one who cried every night because my world was the one that was crashing down. I was the one who swallowed my pride and finally gave up on us. I was the last one to walk away.
To the person who used to be my best friend, thank you. Thank you for breaking me and putting me at my lowest point. Thank you for teaching me how to claw my way back up. Thank you for being selfish and mean and showing me who to avoid.
You were troubled and I try not to hold it against you. You were young and didn't know what you needed, but like you, I needed to purge myself of what was toxic. I don't know what you're doing right now, but I hope whatever you chose over me was worth it. I hope that you're happy, but most of all, I hope you never get to treat someone the way you treated me again.
