Dear Dad,
It’s the day I’ve been dreading: your first birthday without you. It still seems like a dream to me. It’s like you went on a trip and you are destined to return. I still don’t know how to go about this. It’s your birthday, but you aren’t here. I know birthdays are supposed to be happy and that you would want me to be happy. On the other hand, how can I be happy when you aren’t here to celebrate it?
So what do I do now? I don’t feel like doing anything but staying in bed. I don’t feel like seeing anyone because I know they’re going to ask questions. Those questions that just bring up emotions, memories, and the tough realization that this isn’t just a nightmare I can wake up from. However, I know you wouldn’t want me to stay home in bed all day. So what do I do? Do I buy a cake and put your name on it anyway just without candles? Maybe I’ll just buy a candy bar or ice cream. That’s the kind of dessert you really liked anyway. Do I watch your favorite TV shows? Do I go for a ride in your truck? Do I visit our favorite hunting spots?
Maybe I’ll do all that and then some. Maybe I’ll spend the day with the family. I’ll tell them how much I love them and hug them a little tighter. I’ll pray a little extra for them, my sister, and myself. I’ll listen to your favorite songs more than just once. Maybe I’ll have one of your favorite foods for dinner. It still doesn’t feel right because I know my sister and I should be cleaning the house so people can come over. All my aunts and cousins should be cooking for the whole family. Someone should be either baking or buying a cake and putting your name on it. I should be wrapping a present that my sister helped me pick out. My sister and I should be signing a card with a note saying how much we love you. We should be having a party. You should be here with us, and we should all celebrating your birthday together.
The hardest thing about today is that it makes me realize that this isn’t the first or only event you will not be at. My sister and I have already had birthdays since you left. It is still hard to believe we didn’t see your face or hear your voice on our special days. There will be graduations, weddings, and births that you will not be there to witness. It’s hard to fathom that you won’t be meet my future husband or give us your blessing. The part that really breaks my heart is that you won’t be there to walk me down the aisle or to meet your future grandchildren.
There is one thing that makes me happy today. I know you’re in Heaven, partying it up with Jesus and other family members who also went too soon. I know you aren’t hurting anymore. I know you’re in the place where we all dream to be. I know you’re happy beyond belief.
So have some heavenly cake, party hard, and tell Pop and all my cousins that I said hi. I miss you more than you can imagine. Happy
Love,
One of your baby girls
P.S Here are some throwbacks from your last birthday we spent together.
