A Letter To My Best Friends At Home

A Letter To My Best Friends At Home

Side by side, or miles apart, real friends are always close to the heart.

This letter is going to be my attempt at telling you just how much I love and miss you. I don’t know if I can put into words exactly what I want to say, but I’m going to give it my best shot because you deserve at least that.

My Dear Friends,

First off, I want to thank you. The list of things I want to thank you for is a mile long and I could never name everything. There are a few though I would like to point out. I want to thank you for being my rock after my dad died. You have been there with me through some of my darkest times. You were there when depression and anxiety took over my life, but you never once judged me. You were there when my mom lost her job, not once but twice. You were there when I left for school with absolutely no idea how I was going to pay for it. You have been there with your supportive texts and embarrassing Snapchat selfies to make sure we didn’t grow apart. Thank you for that. You have always believed in me and supported me in every way possible. You are the reason I’ve accomplished so much and the reason why I have never given up. Thank you for being so strong. You may not know this, but I look up to you. I’m so thankful that you have let me be a part of your life. I’ve loved every minute of watching you grow and chase your dreams. You inspire me. I’m so thankful that you, are you.

I also want you to know how much I miss you. I miss our late nights at the barn and the uncontrollable laughter we would break into over absolutely nothing. I miss the home cooked meals we used to share together. They were so good and so much better than college food. Leaving you behind when I left for school has been one of the most difficult things I have ever done. I may not have shown it on the outside, but I was extremely nervous about leaving. You had become such a big part of my everyday life. The thought of you no longer being a short drive away was something I didn’t like to think about. Texts, Snapchats, and weekly FaceTime sessions just aren’t the same. The weekends I get to come back and spend with you are something I look forward to all the time. I don’t know how else to tell you how much I miss you. I just hope you know that I do.

This part may seem a little weird, but I want you to hear this. I want to apologize if I have ever made you feel like I’ve replaced you with my new life at school. If I have ever made you feel that way please know that was never my intention. I struggle with balancing the life I left behind at home and the life I’m living here at school, but I always want you to be a part of my life. No matter where I am, please know I will never forget about you. You mean way too much for me to ever forget about you.

Lastly, I love you so freaking much. The friendship I have found within you is something I rely on to get me through each and every day. I love knowing that I have you to lean on no matter what. I know I don’t tell you enough how much you mean to me.

Promise me that you won’t forget about our laughs, our jokes, our smiles, our conversations, our plans, our tears, our memories, our experiences or our friendship.

I promise to never forget about you.

I’ll see you soon.

Love, Sierra

Cover Image Credit: Tumblr

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A Letter To The Grandpas Who Left Far Too Soon

The thoughts of a girl who lost both of her grandpas too early.

Dear Grandpa,

As I get older, my memories are starting to fade. I try to cling to every last bit of memory that I have of you. There are certain memories that have stuck well in my brain, and I probably will never forget them, at least I hope I don't. I remember your smile and your laugh. I can still remember how your voice sounded. I never want to forget that. I catch myself closing my eyes to try to remember it, playing your voice over and over in my head so that I can ingrain it in my memory.

I always thought you were invincible, incapable of leaving me. You were so young, and it caught us all by surprise. You were supposed to grow old, die of old age. You were not supposed to be taken away so soon. You were supposed to see me graduate high school and college, get married to the love my life, be there when my kids are born, and never ever leave.

My heart was broken when I heard the news. I don't think I had experienced a pain to that level in my entire life. At first, I was in denial, numb to the thought that you were gone. It wasn't until Thanksgiving, then Christmas, that I realized you weren't coming back. Holidays are not the same anymore. In fact, I almost dread them. They don't have that happy cheer in the air like they did when you were alive. There is a sadness that hangs in the air because we are all thinking silently how we wished you were there. I hope when I am older and have kids that some of that holiday spirit comes back.

You know what broke my heart the most though? It was seeing your child, my parent, cry uncontrollably. I watched them lose their dad, and I saw the pain that it caused. It scared me, Grandpa, because I don't ever want to lose them like how they lost you. I can't imagine a day without my mom or dad. I still see the pain that it causes and how it doesn't go away. There are good days and there are bad days. I always get upset when I see how close people are to their grandparents and that they get to see them all the time. I hope they realize how lucky they are and that they never take it for granted. I wish I could have seen you more so that I could have more memories to remember you by.

I know though that you are watching over me. That is where I find comfort in the loss. I know that one day I will get to see you again, and I can't wait for it. I hope I have made you proud. I hope that all that I have accomplished and will accomplish makes you smile from ear to ear. I hope that the person I marry is someone you would approve of. And I hope that my kids get more time with their grandpa than I did because the amount I got wasn't fair.

I want to say thank you for raising your child to be the best parent ever because they will one day be the best grandparent ever. Just like you.

Cover Image Credit: Katelyn McKinney

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How My People Pleasing Turned Toxic

My need to please the people around me created a toxic friendship environment.

Throughout my 20 years of life, I’ve always tried to please the people around me. Now people pleasing is not a bad quality to have. Always making sure that you are caring for your friends, family, and even strangers, but people pleasing can also turn out to be one of your biggest enemies and your worst nightmare.

Trying to balance my everyday life, I would always put myself and my well-being on the back burner. Before I could even begin to worry about myself, I had to make sure that I was pleasing those around me. A seemingly simple task that could easily turn into a whirlwind of emotions.

I’ve always struggled with two consistent factors in my life: friendships and myself. When it comes to myself, there has always been a lack of self-attention and I tend to let others “run me over.” Then when it comes to friends, I quite often find myself taking people pleasing to a whole new level. At one point in my life, I started to do things that were against my values, ended up dropping my standards, began to act in ways that were opposite of my personality, and became almost petrified to share my own thoughts and opinions with some people I called my “friend.” All due to the sole purpose of wanting to please my friend and I would do anything to fit THEIR mold.

Friendship is all about reciprocity, you give some, you take some. My need to please people quickly fell into a trap in this particular friendship that I couldn’t get out of. I gave, and gave, and gave some more. And she took, and took, and took some more. Then started to take parts of myself that I wasn’t even giving: my confidence, my trust, my personality, my style and my thoughts. She took ME and I wasn’t receiving any of myself back.

The definition of friendship is the mutual trust and support between two people. Friends are the people that YOU chose to put in your life, the people that you are supposed to share the same values with, the people that you laugh with, the people that you cry with, the people that are supposed to be there for you through the thick and the thin, the people that are honest when no one else is, the people that are supposed to lift you up to make you feel better, and the people that will always be your number one cheerleader.

My once confident self, broke down to become a peasant that followed the ringleader’s every move and complied with every request. Always putting the ringleader before myself and sometimes even driving myself in harm’s way to protect the ringleader. Countless actions that I tolerated that deserved the words “I’m sorry”, but not once were those two simple words ever spoken. I continued to put the ringleader before myself just to please her so I could “fit in”. I continued to get hurt. I continued to be bossed around. I continued to hide my own opinions. I was putting my friend, the ringleader, before myself, but what I didn’t realize is that she wasn’t even being a friend to me.

I thought our values were the same, but I had changed mine to fit hers. I thought that she was there for me through thick and thin, but she was only there for me when it was convenient for her. I thought that she was always honest with me, but her web of lies told a different story. I thought she lifted me up, but really she always brought me down. I thought she was my number one cheerleader, but she was actually just cheering on herself. I thought she was always there to laugh with and cry with, but she actually only made me cry.

I became terrified of her and not pleasing her. I was so scared of her to the point that I would wouldn’t confront her about something that I knew was morally correct because she had a different opinion on the situation. I would be in tears just thinking about confronting her and I wouldn’t challenge her because she would turn every situation around that was her fault, to somehow being my fault. I stopped doing things that I loved to do because she didn’t like to do those things. I completely stopped hanging out with certain people because she didn’t like them, so I thought that I shouldn’t either. I would never spend too much time away from her because I knew that she would get mad, and I never wanted her to be mad at me. I stopped sharing my accomplishments with her because if she didn’t receive the same accomplishment then she would be mad at me.

No one should ever be afraid of their friends. I had been put in a shadow from the start and had never realized it. I had been blinded and manipulated to go against my own values and thoughts. I had been lied to and lies were told about me to others by my so-called “friend”. I had been hurt without even knowing it and had lost my confidence and so many other parts of myself along the way. When I finally realized what was going on, I knew that I needed to stop worrying about pleasing people and take a step back and look at who I had become.

I had lost little qualities about myself along the way that I wanted back. I wanted my voice back and I didn’t want to be a “follower” to a leader, that was really no leader at all. A leader, just like a friend, is one who is honest and accountable for their actions, who is empathetic to your feelings, and who is an inspiration to those around them. None of those qualities were being expressed to me and it was time for a change.

After putting my big girl pants on and gaining back some of my old confidence, I put an end to the reign of a toxic friendship and a weight was lifted off of me that I didn’t even know was there. I am happier and more confident than I have been in a long time. I’m no longer afraid to share my opinion or be who I truly am.

Everyone deserves to be happy and no one ever needs someone in their life to bring them down. I put my people pleasing as a top priority and forgot about myself along the way. I will continue to try and please those around me, especially, my friends because they are important people in my life that encourage me to be the best that I can be, push me to accomplish my goals, lend a helping hand, and take care of me when I can’t even see I even need taking care of. However, I will never again jeopardize myself and my values for someone who uses me as a pawn in their game.

Cover Image Credit: Pixaby.com

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