To the man who should've been my father,
The fact that I have to start this letter like that is, well, just plain sad. I should've never had to have questioned what to call you. I should have never had to have been embarrassed about what to tell people when it was Father's Day. I also shouldn't have ever had to explain why I didn't have a dad.
I blame you all for this. I blame you for the confusion, for the lack of words or explanation. I blame you for missing that vital thing in my life. I grew up a sports fan, I grew up playing any and all sports my loving and wonderful mother could afford. She wanted me to have everything, and even though that was slightly difficult, she did her best. It was no help to you, though. You caused pain, you caused confusion and you caused me to miss out on everything a father should have provided.
I had to rely on other people's fathers to show me what to do. I had to watch everyone thank their fathers for all that they've taught them. I had to watch everyone I knew grow up in a perfect family, while my family was broken. People would always ask if I visited you on the weekends or if I got to see you on special occasions. You can't even begin to imagine how awful and sad I would feel when I explained I didn't even remember what you looked like, let alone worry about what weekend I would spend with you.
Girls always say that they want to find someone to love whose like their dad. Their dad is their first love, so it's understandable. I hope I don't find someone like you because I know the difficulty of growing up with a single mother. I would never wish this life on anyone. Everyone should have the love of two parents. Now, lucky for me I had my loving grandparents and my uncles and aunts, but there was still always that one missing piece in my life, and it was you.
I've always questioned why you left. I always questioned what I did wrong to make you not want me. And that's something that has scarred me for life. To this day 19 years later, I'm convinced everyone wants to leave me. I'm convinced that, no matter how right I try to do something, I'm still very wrong. You've taught me that I'm unlovable, that I'm easy to leave and that I'm not worth it. That's not something that's easily forgotten, and it has made every relationship in my life so much more difficult.
You've taught me some other things, as well. You've taught me that I'm strong. You've taught me that my mother is one of the strongest human beings in the world, and that she deserves so much more then she's given credit for. You taught me that everyone has a father, but not everyone has a dad. You've also taught me, though, that a lot of father-figures can be dads, and someone can have more then one.
So thank you. Thank you for simultaneously ruining my life and teaching me a lot of lessons. Also, thank you for showing me how a father and a dad should be. I know now what to look for in a husband and a father. It's not a fun lesson to learn, but it's still taught me a lot. It has shown me a lot, and it has opened my eyes to a whole world out there that not many people see or hear or talk about.
Even though you've made my life a living hell, I still have a lot to thank you for. But the best thing you have given me was leaving me and giving me a chance to grow even closer to my grandpa, my uncles, my soccer coaches and my teachers. Because without them, I wouldn't be the woman I am today, and without you I'm much better off
Love,
The daughter you left
