To Fear,

You have always been the greatest barrier in preventing me from trying to do the things I’ve wanted to do; however, I can’t ever remember feeling more secure in anything else. It is strange to me how you can be equally comforting and debilitating in just about every single respect. Perhaps the most debilitating aspect is where I find myself fearing situations where you are not present, fearing a lack of fear.

Suddenly, I begin to fear why I am not worried about the situation, believing there might be something I have majorly overlooked. I cannot help but wonder if I have some sort of incredible ignorance about what I am about to do, and the weight of this idea is usually enough to turn me away.

I find myself caught between a hammer and an anvil, wondering whether it worse for me not to accomplish the things I want to do by accepting this fear but confirming my ignorance, or to potentially make crucial mistakes and suffer the consequences.

As I near my twentieth birthday, I begin to worry that by holding to you too tightly I am growing much more slowly than I should be. By avoiding any risks, I have allowed myself to remain in a place of stability where my hopes and disappointment never stray far from baseline.

Dull, is the only word I could think of to describe the effect you have on the quality of my own perception of my life.

It seems possible to me that the immense amount of fear that I put myself through is hardly relevant against the enormous amount of other things I could be feeling and experiencing, all of which are absolutely essential towards accomplishing any goals.

For the longest time it seems as though I have been attributing the consequences of any risk taken to the specific nature of the task.

Letting go of you, I have realized, is the biggest risk I must take towards achieving any personal growth. More specifically, I must allow myself to be susceptible hope and disappointment, two things that I have always avoided as some sort of mind self-defense mechanism.

I have also realized that the fear of exposing my ignorance is equally ignorant of me.

So long as my intentions remain willing to learn, understand, and change the ways I might be treating others (or perhaps even myself) poorly or unfairly, I am very possibly doing so more damage by remaining where I am.

It seems that before I take one step back before I take a step forward, a step I have been very unwilling take out of fear. What I have not realized is that I have been essentially been walking backwards for my entire life. A few extra steps backwards, if that is what it requires, would hardly be significant compared to the distance I have already set myself behind.

Whatever it is that decides to stand in my way, I think that only way now for me to be more content and secure than fear could ever make me is to keep moving and to see it through, even if it’s my own grave I’m digging.

Looking forward to seeing you soon,

Randy