It was your birthday not too long ago. It was the second year that, for as long as I can remember, I haven't been the first to call and tell you how old you are and how I hope your day rocks your socks. I was so tempted to pick up the phone, but I didn't. I can say it's because I got busy or because I forgot, but in reality, that wasn't it at all.
I miss you. I do. I just can't bring myself to talk to you yet, even though sometimes I want to and feel like I'll explode if I don't. I honestly wonder if you ever feel the same, or if I'm just a distant memory from a past you pretend isn't yours. I fueled the silence between us with anger, but now my anger is gone.
You were my sister in every sense of the word except for blood. You knew my heart, my deepest secrets, my darkest thoughts, my fears, my hopes, my dreams, and I knew yours. At least I thought I did. We planned and schemed our lives for endless hours, and we knew that no matter what happened, we'd always have each other's backs. You were always my voice of reason, my shoulder to cry on and my conscience when I wished I didn't have one. You were my soul mate, my other half. To me, our bond stretched far beyond just this life. When I met you, it was like I already knew you, like I'd always known you. I can't explain it.
Now I can't even call you my friend.
It's not because of him, even though you knew I loved him, and it's not because of what you hid from me. It's not because you lied, or because it felt like you betrayed me. It's not even because you broke my heart, leaving a hole in my life I can't seem to fill. In fact, I don't know why, exactly. It's not that I can't forgive you because I can. I already did. You are officially 100 percent forgiven.
Sometimes, I wonder if it is because I can't forgive myself.
Technically, I'm only nine days older than you, but somehow, those nine days made all the difference. It feels like for our entire lives, all our past lives and all our future lives, I've always been and always will be the "big" sister. The responsible one. The one who has fixed everything, from the time we were seven years old until things finally imploded. Yet somehow, this go-around, I failed you.
So tell me, what did I miss? I couldn't fix it this time. I didn't protect you from it all. You hurt me deeply, beyond anything I can express. But I hurt you , too, because this time, I just didn't know you needed my help. I am so incredibly, infinitely sorry for that. And I love you, but I don't know what's worse- not having you in my life or the risk of letting you back in.
So I guess I'll see you around, if not in this life, then the next.
Yours Forever,
Emily Jane Traub
