Dear bullies,
I'm going to be completely honest: you have made my life a living hell. You've broken my heart more times and harder than any boyfriend I've ever had. You have shaken me to my core and have belittled me to the point where I questioned my very existence.
It hasn't always been this way; you were all once my friends or people that I at least deemed as decent human beings. I was nothing but kind to you and you made me feel worthless. We had good times before you viewed me as the fat girl no one should like. I was popular like you before you labeled me a loser and a nerd. Yet, at some point something flipped and I was no longer part of the "in" crowd. Maybe it was nothing I did, but rather something I didn't do. Maybe I said or did the wrong thing to make you dislike me. Whatever it was, it was never bad enough for the torture you made me endure.
I still question every day what I did to make you call me that many names. I wonder why I was beat up, bruised, cut, stolen from, and mentally abused. To this day I can still hear your voices haunting me as I face myself in the mirror. All the names you called me surface as I scrutinize every inch of myself. I struggle to feel comfortable in the skin I'm in as I try on clothes, get out of the shower, or apply my makeup. The scale is my worse enemy and my mind never likes what it reads no matter what the number may be. The images of the past still dance along my subconscious beckoning me to a deeper and darker place.
When I think of my younger years, I think of the time you slapped me, or the time you told me I wasn't good enough to sit at the same table as you. I remember watching you steal my lunch money and water, and then getting a detention for "assuming" it was you when I told the teacher. I remember being forced by the counselor to be your friend and I broke down in her office because I knew I couldn't take another word, punch, or dodge ball to the face. I remember feeling like my life was spiraling out of control, having no one to catch me.
However, through all of this pain and torture I have slowly come to terms with what has happened. While I will never forget the pain I went through or be able to remove the scars from my body and soul, I would still like to say thank you because you have taught me some very important lessons. You have taught me how to be strong. You have taught me how to pick myself up every day when I feel like nothing and deal with life. You have taught me how to act like I'm happy and smile like nothing is wrong. You have taught me that life isn't fair and we have to deal with whatever we are dealt. You have taught me who my real friends are and have brought to light the people that really matter in life. I have learned that life is too short to mope around and let your words affect me. I have learned that I am a better person than you and your hurtful words and actions.
They say sticks and stones may break some bones but words will never hurt. However, in reality your words are what hurt the most. On my weakest days they do resurface and I do what I can to fight the inky hands that attempt to grapple with my mind and soul. However, I have surrounded myself with people who really love me, doing things I really love, and expressing what once were my deepest, darkest times to reach a multitude of people.
I don't know what you are doing with your life, or even if you remember hurting me in all of these ways. You probably don't even know this article is about you, but if you do, know that I have forgiven you. I do wish you the best in your life and most importantly, I hope you don't feel what I have felt, for I wouldn't wish that upon anyone.
As for myself, I will keep struggling internally and it will probably never stop. You have left permanent scars inside of me and nothing can change that. As time passes on, the bruises seem to fade, but maybe I'm just learning how to deal with everything better. Nevertheless, I am happier than I once was and I have a few beautiful souls who complete my life and help me feel whole again. I wish that for you as well too, to mend the black tar in your heart that led you to do those things you did.
Thank you for helping me find the person I am today. Thank you for making me a strong and independent person.
Sincerely,
The person you bruised years ago and probably forgot about.
