Dear friend,
I'm very sorry that this has happened to you. I don't think anyone grows up to think that they will experience such a loss in their life, so early on. I used to have nightmares about it happening but would relax knowing it was just a dumb dream. When that nightmare becomes a reality, it's terrifying. Some people are given time before it happens and some don't get any. They get the call that they are gone and that's it. No goodbyes, no nothing. All you have are your memories and the last interaction you've had with them. Even if you do have time before they are gone, how do you prepare for that? You can't really, just have to brace yourself for impact.
It's hard to comprehend that kind of loss in your life. I think sometimes I forget that my brother's never coming back. It almost feels like he's on vacation somewhere and he'll be back again someday. I will see him someday, just not in this world. I will see him in a way better place and we will hug, laugh, and cry. So will you. You don't live forever; it will be your day to see him again. Let that motivate you to keep going. If I had to die today, it would be a little more bearable because I know I would finally see my brother again.
I know you probably blame yourself. What could I have done to stop this? There's nothing anyone can do. Everyone has different time clocks and a long life isn't always guaranteed. I think we forget that sometimes. If anything, allow this experience to make you want to live your life even more than you already do. I know I have.
Allow yourself to grieve and to cry but please don't live in it forever. It gets a little easier day by day. The longer it's been, the stronger you get. If you can get through this, there's absolutely nothing you can't survive. Let this pain motivate you to make a difference. It feels so good to just dedicate your time and your beliefs into something that's going to benefit the world.
Reach out to people. Especially others that are struggling with the same situation. I've found that I can connect and relate to so many more people by not hiding behind my brother's death. I feel like I've been able to help others too, which is a rewarding thing. Take this awful experience and turn it into something beautiful.
I say this to everyone when they lose someone, but it's true, no amount of words are going to take the pain away. I've found time is the ultimate healer. You wake up every day and remind yourself what you need to do to keep going. I miss my brother every day of my life and I always will but know that he is still with you. My brother communicates with me using music.
Just know he is with you, especially during important moments. He's watching you fall in love, have children, excel in your career, and heck he's there in spirit at your wedding. I'm thankful I had the time I had with him and I treasure the memories. It's okay to look back but just don't stay there. This is a new chapter in your life and you will find happiness down the road. I hope you find it soon.
Love,
Rayanna
