I remember the day you left so clearly. You walked out the door like it was the easiest thing in the world to walk away from the person you created. I remember begging you to stay, but only getting silence in return. I remember running out the front door just to see your car disappear out of my sight. I remember sitting on the porch for 3 hours, hoping that the familiar hum of your broken down car will comfort me once again. I remember coming to the realization that you weren't coming back.
But, this letter isn't about that moment. It's about all the moments that followed after. It's about how your chair stayed empty at the dinner table, because we all had that hope that one day it would be filled by you, it's about how i had to miss homecoming because we could no longer afford a dress, it's about how i cut my hair because someone told me it looked just like yours. It's about how i wiped my own tears and picked myself up off the ground because you weren't there to do it, it's about how i caked my face with foundation to cover my freckles because it was one more thing that made me look like you. It's about the fact that i had to grow up far to quick, it's the fact that i learned at a young age what it was like to have your heart broken by the person that promised they never would.
I remember the extreme sadness, asking through the tears when I would see you again, but they just looked at me with pity in their eyes and hugged me closer. I remember the anger, the promise that if I ever saw you again I would give you hell- and then some. I remember the doubt, what if it was me? What did I do to make you leave? I remember the rejection, if my own parent couldn't love me, then who would? You made me question myself everyday, you made me doubt those around me, but above all, you made me hate myself. Everything, from the color of my hair to the freckle on my chin was another reminder of where I came from and the fact that i couldn't even get the one who made me to stay.
But, in all the destruction and the rubble from the walls you forced down, I found myself. In the pain and the suffering, i found strength like I never knew I had. In all the tears, I found the bravery to give it one more day. In the process of screaming til my lungs gave out, I found perseverance to give it one more day. When you left me behind, I found myself again.
I realize now that all though you may have ruined a part of me, you gave life to many others. When you left, I discredited the night you stayed up with me till 3 in the morning practicing my talent show song, I let myself forget about the time you held me in your arms when grandpa passed away. I pushed away the night you held my hand in the ER while I had stitches. When you left, I decided that all our memories did too. And for that, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for cursing you any time I got a chance. I'm sorry for writing you off as the one who left without even checking if you looked back. I'm sorry for ignoring your calls and blocking your number. You were selfish when you walked out, but I was selfish when I kept you out there.
You showed me the best and worst parts of life, and I think I will always be thankful for both of them, and even though I'm not okay now- I have faith that someday I will be.
