Dear Dad,
Out of all the heartbreaks I have managed to experience in my twenty years of living, yours seemed to hurt the worst. You were the first guy to ever shatter my heart when you were supposed to be the guy to pick up the pieces.
I spent most of my childhood trying to get you to love me the way a daughter needs to be loved by her father. Through all of my softball, basketball and volleyball games you were supposed to be at, instead of having my head in the game, I spent my time looking for you in the stands. I spent time playing sports I didn't care for or spent time trying to make honor roll on every grade card of mine just to get you to notice me. To see me. To be proud of me.
I wish you loved me enough to put down the bottle. I couldn't tell you how many times I secretly wished to be of more importance than your daily fix of alcohol. You created a void inside of me. The girl who believed that she was capable of being loved is gone. I struggle with believing that anyone is capable of loving me because for so long you made me think that, "if my own father didn't love me, how could anyone else?" I even find it difficult to love myself. Thanks to you, Dad, that part of me is nothing but a void that you created.
You are my father and always will be. There is nothing that will ever change that. But I have learned that there is a difference between being a father and being a dad. Maybe you just have a funny way of showing your love for me, or maybe not, but a daughter should never doubt how much she is loved by her father. A daughter should be able to know how much her dad loves her. She should never have to question it. But that is what I spent most of my childhood doing, is questioning the love you have for me.
As the years go by and the older I get, I'll never forget the way your breath reeked of alcohol when you talked to me or when you didn't have a drink in your hand you'd be nothing but exasperated by everything and everyone. But, I will also never forget the amount of times I tried to get you to love me. The amount of times I swore I would give up on you but never did. That's what I'll remember most; desperately longing to win the love of my father over and failing time after time.
However, dad, despite all of the sporting events, birthday parties, school banquets, family cookouts, and vacations you missed, I loved you. Despite all of the times you chose to go drinking with your buddies instead of sticking with the plans you made with me, I loved you. Despite all of the Christmas mornings you slept through, proms and homecomings you forgot, and field trips you missed, I loved you. Despite all the times I told you that I loved you and you didn't say it back... I still loved you.
