We were always very different people, but I considered you to be one of my best friends until we had a falling out.
I would love to say that I'm glad we met and that you changed my life in a positive way. I would love to say that I wish you only the best. My friends and family tell me to be mature and let go of my anger. I tell myself to be the "bigger person" and remind myself that people lose friends all the time. I tell myself that if everyone else around me can let go of their grudges, so can I. If someone asked me, I might even say good things about you, just to avoid sounding bitter. Unfortunately, if I'm being honest with myself, I would have to admit that I don't mean many of the good things I say. Our disagreement, which eventually escalated into the end of our friendship still eats at me and I bitterly hold on to many of the hurtful things that you said.
Maybe I never got the closure I needed before we stopped calling ourselves friends. When we stopped talking, I felt wronged. I wanted to know what went wrong, but I never found out. I never had it in me to ask you what went wrong and to try to fix it. I didn't have it in me to move on and reach out to you first. I couldn't get past the fact that you never offered me an apology, even though I realize that you could have also been waiting for an apology from me.
Maybe I was wrong to be angry in the first place and I just can't see our disagreement from your perspective. Either way, we aren't friends anymore and I resent the fact that I have to pretend there's no longer any bad blood between us. I find myself wishing you could know that I'm still angry and wondering if I would feel better had I got the last word in.
Maybe having you in my life benefited the two of us in ways that I don't even realize. Being friends with you might have even changed me for the better. Our friendship might have even helped me grow as a person. But none of this changes the fact that there's still leftover hurt and disappointment. I'm constantly telling myself not to be petty, but sometimes I wish you could feel the same hurt and disappointment that I felt.
Someday, hopefully soon, I will think about you as a part of my past and smile remembering all of our good memories. I will not feel angry when I think about you. I will feel happy for you when I hear about your successes from our mutual friends. I will be able to appreciate all the good things that came out of the friendship that we once shared.
But right now, I'm still angry.
